Taking my first sip of the water

[ATPeace]

Sandi2

First thank you not just for your post but thank you for still posting to me what you wrote makes a lot of sence and I do believe that it is me keeping myself in this painful position almost because of a combination of fear or being alone....really alone or I feel that if I punish myself enough make myself feel bad keep myself in this low position then my W would ultimately see how sorry I am and would eventually change her feelings back towards me

I think it was my DB Coach that said people's feelings do change and just because she feels resentment now or sadness one will not always feel these feelings.

I have been crippled by fear I am scared she will meet someone else despite her telling me since breakup that she is not looking for another relationship and if she never had one ever again then she would not be bothered she is very happy in her own company.... I know what she says may or may not remain the case she might fall In love with someone else end up sleeping with them forming a relationship But at some point I am fairly sure that the new partner will do something to piss here off leave up the toilet seat or leave socks arround not load the dishwasher or empty the rubbish perhaps he will choose not to want to spend some time with her it does not matter what it is ...it will be something and she will have feelings of Oh No Not Again......

I am a good man I love and adore my children I am a man that chose to sometimes put myself first have a life outside of the marriage and this left my w feeling alone and right now I choose to continue to love my W and I guess this is where I need to understand the word D E T A C H M E N T ...and I really need to understand that you can still love someone from a distance ..,it is a choice ....and yet let them live the life they want to live without it affecting me and this is where I really struggle.

So I crave affection and I want to feel loved....I do not want to stray sometimes I feel so lonely.... I remember my W saying to me after breakup have you any idea how it feels to be in a house with five other people and no one wanted to spend any time with me ....I know what this feels like

It is time for me to stop letting my past actions continue to affect my relationship with my children and with my W

Even much of this post talks about the past it has to begin with a small step

Sandi2 thank you

Ghost