Not too much has changed but it's worth updating for me to process a bit.
We had MC on Friday, the day after the big tough convo we had that I detailed above. Surprisingly W began by apologizing for her nastiness the night before, but when I turned to look at her and thank her for her apology, she had a sour look on her face and turned to avoid my eyes. So, a half apology, I suppose.
Then she railed against me to the MC that I was controlling and manipulative about the mutual non-dating rule we agreed to before I had moved back in. MC was confused and asked her if she hadn't agreed to it before I moved back in. She said yes but that I was manipulative and controlling. She said this again and again and complained about how unfair marriage was and that she was basically discriminated against and that no one was taking her seriously because she was a woman.
The recurring motif was that she was convinced that I was still holding out hope that we could reconcile. This seems to infuriate her. I validated that I could see how serious she was and that I wasn't thinking about reconciling, but she didn't seem to believe me. This was frustrating and I need to work on this more. I felt a bit defeated even though it's been about a month since I even brought up our marriage or that possibility, but she mentioned that I called her a pet name twice in the last few weeks (I slipped!) and one or two other minor things I said that I didn't even realize! I felt my confidence deflate a bit realizing how every little thing registers with her...
There was a bit more catastrophizing and spewing on her part, but she was much more civil in front of the MC. I was a little less collected in the session, but managed to stay pretty calm and even. It's more challenging in MC for some reason--I think it's because W is allowed to go on and on and then MC suddenly turns to me and says, "so how do you feel after hearing all that?" Well, honestly, I don't want to talk about how I truly feel in front of my WW. I typically said that I was just focusing on doing what I needed to do day-by-day, or if W was twisting something I had said, I was tried to clarify or restate, but it's hard for that to not come across as being argumentative. It's something I need to work on.
End of MC sesh we go our separate ways with minimal acknowledgement. In the past we would walk our together, and up to a couple of weeks ago, W would come up and hug me afterward. That was nice, but it's over now.
That night after work, W texts me to say she's staying overnight at a friends. I tell her that's fine but that we need to swap cars in the morning before she goes back into work so I can take our S to visit relatives out of town. She says okay. Next morning, I txt W a half hour before her shift as she hasn't come by to drop of the car yet. She says that she's sorry but she's running late and can't come by the house to swap; I will need to come to her work and pick it up. I'm pretty ticked off because she's been doing this sort of thing constantly lately. Little things that are inconvenient for me and show how unthoughtful she is lately. She got called into work earlier one morning and didn't tell me until an hour before and I had to change plans, etc.
This time I respond that I'd prefer not to do that as it will inconvenience S and I. She's says she can't come by and I'll just have to go to her work. I don't respond but end up going and swapping cars and going on with our day.
S and I had a lot of fun, going our for lunch together and visiting some relatives and then stopping by some old friends of mine for a play date. It's a a really nice time catching up and S is having a blast.
A few hours into our trip, W texts, "So what's going on today?" ?!? Is she asking about our day? We're all good and buddies now? Later in then evening she txts to say she's leaving work early and asks if S and I are home and if I want her to pick any thing up for me. So two days ago she was cursing me out, the day before calling me manipulative and controlling, and now she's offering to bring me dinner or groceries?! It is bizarre. I tell her S and I are out and will be back in several hours. Mom needs to know where her kid is, but otherwise I do not want to have any communications with this woman!
For the first time in 7 years, I look at her and I am not attracted to her at all. I still carry the pain from the loss of our R, and all the times I felt close to her. It is not hyperbole to say that I have never loved anyone else more than my W and had never been attracted to anyone as much as I was to her. But today I don't feel it.
At this point, if she came to me crying and asking to take her back, I still would, but it wouldn't be easy to do.
Well, I have the afternoon off from daddy duty and am heading out to enjoy the rest of the day. Maybe do to the beach and then grab a pint afterward. Thanks for indulging my rambles!
