Thanks for the congrats on the classes! I'll take them...worked my back end off (I really want to get into grad school!).
AJM...I have no doubt that I was happy being "us". I did have a bit of a yearning for people who "got me" other than H (at least he seemed to) and was toying with the idea of going back to school. But I had mostly resigned myself to just working on my art (he was very supportive of that) and preparing to spend our golden years together. My only real complaint was the amount of communication between he and Bubbles, and later, the amount of time he and we spent with her. Even this winter and spring, he still seemed very loving toward me when we were together...but then it was as if a switch was flipped and he'd remember that he didn't like me or (as he kept saying) "I didn't like him". I saw a struggle. That was real. I saw that he felt "unworthy". I saw that he pushed me away, almost like a little boy that shouts "I can do it myself" when he told me "I don't need you!" with anger in his voice. It hurts, but I almost don't see it as toward me anymore. So, NC. I'm not in that picture. But yes, I do believe what we had was 25-ish years of real. That "us". I do know my (witnessed) memories line up with most everyone else's, not his. I believe the unwitnessed ones are pretty accurate, too. That's why.
Anyway, I won't let that be taken away. I have some very fond memories, and all of the family photos. And, as much as I'd like to say that I'm moving on...its because I have to, not want to. There is still that hope that something changes in the future. I just can't guarantee I will be available if it does.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Just wanted to address your statement about why certain comments suddenly slam you. I have experienced the same.
Sometimes out of the blue, I recall something h said (usually from the letter). It just takes tremendous time to get through those comments. What I have noticed is that they need to be turned and looked at each and every way. I have noticed, for me, absorbing and accepting the pain helps. I move forward a bit and then get slammed by it again. And the process repeats.
I assume this goes on until we fully heal from it.
Keep up the awesome work!
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Thanks, HaWho. I do replay those phrases, amongst others, over and over again. Although I'm not in H's head, I think by hearing him, remembering things he's said, knowing what I do of him and what I know of him now; I am understanding his crisis better than ever. It has also helped me to know that he has to walk through it alone. He doesn't want me there. I accept that now.
As much as I try not to involve my daughters in this, it did come up in a funny way. D25 asked me to come over yesterday afternoon, so I did. We played soccer with each other and took my pup to a nearby dog park (she was so happy!). I commented that a grey haired man jogging by was cute...and she just went on and on about how she and her friends wanted to set me up with people when I was ready.
I told her that seemed a very weird thing, since she was my D and H's. That started a conversation that I told myself I wouldn't have with her, but she said as long as I didn't start crying she was fine with it. Funny thing is, I really didn't feel like crying at all. I just kind of shared with her my ideas of the psychology of it. How he had shared his fears of being like his dad during and immediately after her wedding, and how I modeled my MR on his parents rather than mine and how that shaped my unhappiness and why. She said that made a lot of sense and that she could see that (since she knows everyone involved). She says she doesn't talk to him about our issues (I apologized to her again, but she admitted that this was a different way of talking and she was ok with it) and that all she knows is that he is always asking her to come up to visit at the vacation home. She said he does mention how right I am on more and more things. I laughed at that. Controlling H telling someone that he realizes after the fact that I'm "right" on things. Well, at least he's thinking about things and not just running.
I did tell her I still loved him very much and that I think he doesn't feel lovable right now. Not "worthy" as he said. She mentioned that there were things he had said lately that gave her the same impression and that he seemed very childlike and insecure when he dropped his captain of the ship act. He really does still seem pretty deep in crisis.
It was an interesting talk, but we didn't dwell for too long. And I still have my soccer skills...I can still win our one on one ball battles. Not bad for an almost 50 year old. And bare foot!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
You seem well grounded, C. And that's important when everything else gets thrown at you like it has. That grounding is helpful in that it gives you the basis to heal. As HW mentioned, it takes time to work through the various items that were lobbed over the fence, but it's what makes it possible.
A 50 year old beating a 25 year old in soccer. Barefoot. Impressive!
Just a thought - those conversations with your D are helpful. Not always to you, but they are helpful for the healing. I noticed many times that the conversations were helpful to my son even if they weren't to me. In the end, my goals of raising my children and protecting them as much as I could won out during those conversations. All these years later, my son and I still have them when he brings them up. It seems to help him not be so angry about his mom and husband or the way she treats him.
I consider that an important part for me to play in his life. I recognize that I long ago worked through the items lobbed at my like little emotional grenades, but for him it is ongoing. I chose his mother - he didn't and needs somebody to talk to about it that was there.
Keep at it, Pele!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Ciluzen your post on my thread. It was not rumbling at all, I actually found it really insightful.
I also replay certain comments in my head, usually as a way to better understand what H is going through. It is hard at times to grasp the differences on his mentality, but like you, Infind working through the comments useful.
I'm flying back home today, so not much time for a lengthy reply, I just wanted to say thank you for your post, it really helped. Amazingly I have not contacted H at all in almost a month. And this month has been the one that helped me discover my own issues the most.
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
AJM, I am definitely no Pele, but I did try a few Ronaldinho dance moves after schooling her once or twice. Loved his obvious joy in playing the game. That's what its all about though...enjoying what you do? If you enjoy something, it makes the hard work involved that much more meaningful as it will help you reach a positive goal.
Esame, I'm glad you found my post helpful. I worry that I get too rambling and wordy...a ptsd thing left over from H and his friends (my old social group). Looking back I realize he no longer had patience for my "stories", and when he would ask how my work day went or hear me say "so guess what happened", he started telling me I had to tell him in two minutes or less. With the social group, I realized they didn't really want to hear about the movie I watched or the book I read or the artist I found. I got the uninterested grunt or searching look somewhere past my face or behind them..."moving on"...because it didn't really interest them. So, I'm glad it wasn't a worthless ramble.
So, journaling and catchup time. I'm back to work and people are commenting on how much happier I seem. I'm back to being able to focus on work and not just on getting through it. I think I'm getting over my shell-shock from BD finally. It really was an effort to get through the days last year (one day, hour, minute at a time) and I spent a lot of time thinking of H. I felt it in my gut all day long. I still do think of him and miss the old him and I internalize confrontations with Bubbles. But everything since I last talked to him over a month ago has...faded.
So, assessment time.
1) I have two friends from work who have proven to be amazingly insightful and supportive. One former work-mate who has continued to be a very reliable friend. And two ladies I met through meetups have literally helped me to discover my worth again. I knew I was co-dependent on H, but now realize how deep I had dug that hole and how that depth had blocked my view of not only the sun, but my view of all the remarkable possibilities on the surface surrounding the hole! I now know I wasted a lot of time on trying to be his everything and making him be mine. I can at least answer the question "what do YOU want to do?" with authentic answers now. And...they will keep CHANGING as I think of new things! I have people in my life who get the big eyes now when I tell them a plan and then...THEY ASK TO JOIN ME!!! Will wonders never cease?
2) On that note, I need some guy friends. Most of my friends before were guys. I feel the need to enjoy football games WITH others and my female friends are self assured enough to tell me that totally does not interest them. I also just miss that. I hung out more with guys than girls before I was married, just as friends, and as amazing as my female friends are, I really am missing that. I'm not ready to date and I'm of the belief (for me) that as long as I'm still married dating is a no-no. But I miss having guys around. So, I'm signed up to do some volunteering with my running club to actually get to know people (I tend to hang with my friends and not branch out during runs) and I plan on staying later and enjoying a beer after my friends have left. More guys than gals in the club (which is a very large club, so easy to be anonymous). Its a start.
3) Had an interesting interaction while picking up some prints of a few paintings. I only display my work at H's office and sell from there and a few things on Etsy. This man who was also waiting for his art prints (they were actually huge posters) turned out to be a popular photographer. He saw my prints and was very excited about them. He took my card and had promised to contact some places on my behalf that show art during our arts events and I actually got contacted! So now I'm preparing some work to show at places with a lot more traffic. Fun!
4) Got my next pre-req approved by the institution I'm applying to, so I can start that class in a week. Still procrastinating on the two essays in my application, but I will try to complete them in the next two weeks. I am a grade A procrastinator, but the application is due in January.
5) I've been sort of feeling like a balloon floating along about my next mediation. It was supposed to be this Monday, but then the mediator cancelled, so now it is the following week. I haven't talked to H and have no idea what to expect. I guess it doesn't matter. Its a business deal at this point, and I'm in a good position. I can be light and breezy even in a mediation at this point.
6)I was asked by one of H's office ladies to meet for drinks this week, and two others joined us. I've sort of kept up...we were all friends before this happened. It was interesting because all three were looking at me expectantly most of the time. I had to ask them how they were each in turn to just have a conversation. Not what I expected. I was asked AGAIN if I was really going through with the plan to go back to school. Is that so strange? I get the feeling that people think I'm doing it to prove something to H or be manipulative. I'm doing it for me! And I want to support myself in a way that I'm comfortable with. Found myself explaining why I went to school 30 years ago...it wasn't to be an art major. It was to be a psychiatrist. I actually got through to them (they didn't know that about me). I also got the impression that, although I know they care and are concerned about me and are reaching out (they are disgusted with H and blame ALL of this on their work mate Bubbles) I also get the feeling anything I'm saying is being reported right back to H. So, he didn't come up in the convo.
Anyway, that's my, as per usual, wordy update. Off to live my life on a beautiful Saturday!
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Or put another way, you miss the memories of him, right? There's a bit of a difference in the wording, but I think it's an important one
I don't think it's strange to want to go back to school just for YOU. I did the same thing. Why? Because I had always wanted to, but never was able prior to having more time on my hands. I really enjoyed it and am working to continue for the next degree. The bonus there is that it really helped me with some things at work, which surprised me. Happily surprised me.
Running groups are fun. I was part of a large one for years here in NC. Still do the occasional when time allows. It's fun to meet people and a good stress relief. The beer is a great bonus and since it's football season, you almost can't lose!
Congrats on the art! Hope that leads to more fun times.
Keep up the exploration Pele!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Just having a bit of a down afternoon. Came home and saw an Instagram collage of one of the few former "social group" members who I kind of keep up with. Attending her oldest daughter's h.s. soccer games was one of my only GAL activities after BD and I thought we got along well. I've communicated with her off and on, but she really never initiates. I know my old social group goes up to (still my) vacation home on holidays, but I try not to think about it; something I really enjoyed, but now miss.
The collage was all of Labor Day festivities at the vacation home; all pictures of the kids I've babysat and known from birth and their friends...many are in highschool now. And a picture of my husband driving his boat with some kids in it. Its H's house now; not H and Ciluzen's. Its as if I was never there.
Yes, AJM. I guess I do miss the memories of him. But I also miss the picture I had in my head of my future with him, doing just what I saw in the collage with our kids and maybe our grandkids (that I don't have yet). That future was so certain and so close, especially when watching my daughter walk down the aisle with him at her wedding. And then, "BAM"! Gone two weeks later.
I'm not someone who posts a lot on social media...my Instagram is mostly to promote my art. I use FaceBook to keep in contact with far away friends, but end up getting added by those near by on both. I have slowly been deleting those from the old social group if there isn't any contact on their part after I've reached out. But this person seemed to stay in touch. I had to not follow her on Instagram this afternoon. She didn't post that on FB. Seeing those happy pictures made me feel abandoned; tossed away. And I've been really doing well!
I go tomorrow to see my new IC. Hopefully she can help me get past this. Or maybe mediation on Monday will trigger something more to ease me away. I wish there really was a magic pill to make the underlying pain go away, but it probably would have some sort of weird side effect.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I’m totally with you about having some guy friends. I was just not very successful doing this, LOL. The guys I thought would be good friends turned out to wanting more from me, LOL. I can only rely on a few guys who have GFs. The GF bond is something else thought. I’m very grateful that I have a few GFs who are true friends and we can talk about anything in the world. It is great that you get noticed with your art prints! I love art, even though I’m a nerd by profession, hahaha!
About your last post… about the pictures from the vacation home… I so feel the pain… of you seeing the pictures of your H driving the boat with some of these kids that you’ve known from births… I’ve been there, ciluzen, trust me… I don’t know if I can give you any advice here… I only know my own story and that I managed to get the vacation home that was claimed by my H as his home, as a place that I can also enjoy on my own, regardless of what he is doing there. I understand that you still have an access to the vacation home when your H is not there. You can invite your own friends and have some great time over there! I know how it feels to see all this “fun” that your H is supposedly having over there. It could all be false, you know. I know I thing. As much as people were telling me to abandon the vacation home and find a new place for me to enjoy… I knew subconsciously that I needed to be there at the vacation home to heal… to claim it as my own fun spot, not related to H. Then I could release it… And, guess what happened… I ended up buying my own condo there. I feel confident. I feel that my H cannot take it away from me… I’m not saying that you should do the same, but you claim that vacation home as fun place for you, regardless of what your H does there.
I know these feelings of being tossed out and abandoned… At the end of the day, all these people are not his family, including the Bubbles. It is not what it looks like, ciluzen. One day he is going to realize that… All you need to worry is your happiness! Make your life the way you want it! Screw the Bubbles and everyone who thinks that what our H is going is ok. I don’t know if I’m making much sense here. I can never claim myself as a vet here, LOL… as my thoughts can be somewhat irrational… Plus… I’m always kind of an optimist, hahaha…
And the pain will go away, eventually. You are probably one of these people who don’t get over things easily. I am one of those too… All I can tell you is that it is going to get better. One step at a time. Hang in there.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
