I'll have a look at that, thank you. I doubt he would do any kind of reading. Everything he seems to see as a bid to get him back and lashes out. If I'd of heard him refer to remaining married to me as ruining his life, to my face, I think he would now be nursing a broken nose. He's like a teenage brat now lashing out and spewing at everyone.
Careful Cherry.
I wouldn't share anything like this with him. First, I would consider this umbrella'd under Sandi's 3rd rule, not trying to get your WAS to read relationship material. Oh, I understand it isn't relationship material, it's 'only' a study about how people make decisions. But it's crystal clear that you would be referring to his choice to divorce.
The reason this is a rule is that it will only backfire. It is the opposite of validating, you are basically saying he has lost his mind and shouldn't listen to his own feelings. It is also controlling and attached, the motive would be to try to get him to change his behavior so he acts the way you'd like him to, hoping he somehow 'comes out of the fog' and turns back towards the marriage. Controlling behavior and diminishing his feelings just pours gas on the fire. Look at how he reacted to his mother, and she's not even the one he's angry at!
One ultra important DB message is 'actions, not words'. Whatever we wish to tell our WAS, whether it is about boundaries, our personal growth, whatever...we have to demonstrate it with our actions. Talking about it does more harm than good.
Honestly it would do more good for you to read "how it feels to be a MLC" or "Why I needed to get divorced" articles. Maybe that would help you get through your anger for him, or help you focus on the things you regret in your M so you can try to 180 and avoid reacting with anger (I've read several of your threads and haven't seen any talk of 180s or mistakes in the M). Reading things that support your own view won't help you learn and grow, and sharing it with him will just remind him that 'you're unwilling to change'.
OK, you get it. I don't think you were going to share it with him, I just had to talk about it just in case.
Painter, I think it's possible that if you had the right relationship with WAH at the right time it might be possible to let him see this article without being controlling or judgmental or anything like that...but it would take a special circumstance and dynamic for that to be casual and non-judgmental. When the LBS is seething with anger I don't think the time is right. I would guess your exchange with WAH was done during a period when you were almost entirely detached, minimal anger, and where you had zero expectations for how he'd respond to the article. Maybe I'm wrong. But Cherry is far from that point.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
