MLC vs Midlife Reboot

[ciluzen]

Thanks, HaWho. I do replay those phrases, amongst others, over and over again. Although I'm not in H's head, I think by hearing him, remembering things he's said, knowing what I do of him and what I know of him now; I am understanding his crisis better than ever. It has also helped me to know that he has to walk through it alone. He doesn't want me there. I accept that now.

As much as I try not to involve my daughters in this, it did come up in a funny way. D25 asked me to come over yesterday afternoon, so I did. We played soccer with each other and took my pup to a nearby dog park (she was so happy!). I commented that a grey haired man jogging by was cute...and she just went on and on about how she and her friends wanted to set me up with people when I was ready.

I told her that seemed a very weird thing, since she was my D and H's. That started a conversation that I told myself I wouldn't have with her, but she said as long as I didn't start crying she was fine with it. Funny thing is, I really didn't feel like crying at all. I just kind of shared with her my ideas of the psychology of it. How he had shared his fears of being like his dad during and immediately after her wedding, and how I modeled my MR on his parents rather than mine and how that shaped my unhappiness and why. She said that made a lot of sense and that she could see that (since she knows everyone involved). She says she doesn't talk to him about our issues (I apologized to her again, but she admitted that this was a different way of talking and she was ok with it) and that all she knows is that he is always asking her to come up to visit at the vacation home. She said he does mention how right I am on more and more things. I laughed at that. Controlling H telling someone that he realizes after the fact that I'm "right" on things. Well, at least he's thinking about things and not just running.

I did tell her I still loved him very much and that I think he doesn't feel lovable right now. Not "worthy" as he said. She mentioned that there were things he had said lately that gave her the same impression and that he seemed very childlike and insecure when he dropped his captain of the ship act. He really does still seem pretty deep in crisis.

It was an interesting talk, but we didn't dwell for too long. And I still have my soccer skills...I can still win our one on one ball battles. Not bad for an almost 50 year old. And bare foot!