So how do I get over the regrets of the past .......I guess I have to accept my mistakes and allow myself to forgive myself.
As a woman who betrayed the one man who loved her the most.......I can honestly tell you that you never forget what you did to your spouse, but you don't dwell on it all the time.
I hurt my H very badly. I thought about what I had done every single day. I would pray, cry, read, or whatever.......trying to forgive myself, b/c I had no peace in my soul. I learned that it is harder to forgive yourself than anyone else.
Every day & night........and all in between........something would trigger my mind to think of my betrayal. If I was at work or around anyone, I would silently tell myself that my H forgave me, and that God forgave me, and for me to not forgive myself was not what either (my H or God) wanted. I would silently pray or recite scripture to give me strength to get through that period.
I learned I had to refuse to wallow in past actions that could not be undone. Do I still regret it? Yes! I will regret it until the day I die. However, I don't dwell on the memories of what I did. To strap myself to a whipping post and administer lashing every day, does not benefit my MR. I am sickened by my wayward actions and I will forever be sorry. What can I do about the past? How can I make it up to my H? How can I show my H that I believe our M is worth me getting off the whipping post and began having a real relationship again.......instead of me centered on myself and keeping that pain alive for both of us? I refuse to allow my past actions to continue to destroy our M today. Do you understand what I am saying?
I don't have as many triggers now. The deaths of my mother and daughter were triggers. But as for as the haunting memories paralyzingly me from taking today and living the best..... and loving the best.....that I can, I won't allow my past actions to have the power to destroy me or my M. Learn from it? Yes! Regret it? Yes! Undo it? Impossible.
There is a song Jerry Lewis use to sing at the end of the MS telethon every year here in the U.S. The title is, You'll Never Walk Alone. The part that always made me cry, is when he would very emotionally try to sing......."walk on......walk on.....with hope in your heart.....and you'll never walk alone". It was a song with a message to these children and adults who had this crippling disease to keep on.....don't give up. Although they may be bound to wheelchairs, in their hearts they were walking!
I guess that's what I want to say to you. Maybe you were mistreated, or maybe you weren't fair to those who love you. Don't give up. Don't lay down and die. Don't stay strapped to the whipping post. That is no good for anyone! Get up and start walking forward, looking forward.......not backward. Don't dwell on the past, Ghost. Today is a new day. Walk on, and make the most of it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
