Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #3]

[ForGump]

My mind has been ruminating on what my WW said about martyrdom all day, and tonight I spent hours writing a letter in response. I must have written a dozen versions, erasing each one, before arriving at this one.

I know it's not DB. But I feel like I have to get it off my chest. I don't know if I'll send it. I will at least sleep on it.

"I want to respond to your comment that being a present, attentive parent does not require martyrdom. I agree. I do not believe in martyrdom.

I get that you reached an unbearable point in our marriage. I agree that to continue that way only for the kids would be martyrdom. I don't want that for us.

But to think that divorce or martyrdom were the only options for us is absurd. You see them as the only two options because you refuse to give our marriage a chance to get better.

You refuse to talk about our sex life. You refuse help from counselors. You suffer alone for years, then you conclude that ending the marriage is the only answer. You reject the possibility that some good can come from an open, vulnerable and trusting dialog with your partner. Or that there just might be some wise counselors out there who know more about human nature than we do. You can't stand the messy middle ground, so you want to kill the marriage, and just move on to the euphoria of the next infatuation. You have done everything unilaterally, in your own head. That's a very self-centered way of living.

You are very present and attentive with kids -- I don't question that at all. But your unilateral decision to divorce means I will say good night to my kids for only half of the week, and do weekend stuff with them only every other weekend. Basically, I will miss out on half of my kids' remaining childhood. That might not be worth martyrdom, but it's worth a lot more than what you've been willing to give."