MLC, WAW or WW?? Who really knows? Help...pls

[ROE]

Hello Sandi2. Welcome to my thread! I am a student of your advice to this board. I have read your threads about the WW and found them to be extremely insightful to our sitch. I will reread again as it normally takes constant review for me. Things just aren't sinking in with me right now.

Yes, you are correct. At the very beginning at BD1 I was more assertive and yielded better results, but as time passed maybe a few weeks I became weaker and fell into the grief of losing my W and M. I think like a shark she must have smelled blood in the water and her soul went black in one of her spewing sessions. Ironically what prompted that session and her entire motive was in the defense of the OM and the thought of losing him. This was the 1st threat of D. I felt myself back down and I think it set the tone. Ironically this was almost immediately after our 1st MC visit. We went 2 more times and each time the C's only fed her justifications, even after she admitted that she was conscientiously aware that her R w/OM was wrong. She blamed me for the relationship during that visit and has repeatedly said OM also blames me for their R. This is just absolutely absurd. I trusted them both. In hindsight a clear lack of our implementation of moral boundaries has plenty to do with this problem as it is. And I know that respect or "lack" there of is also earned. So I have in my past earned her right to not respect me. I have to figure me out and not make the same mistakes in the future, with or w/o my W. I suppose in the case of W & OM saying they "blame me" for their R they may want to "thank me"the next time instead since things are so great between them. Anyway I'm steering off course.

After I backed down she has gone totally Rebellious or Personal Apostasy (new word for my vocab). I have read your threads about the NG syndrome and I definitely have crawled into that rabbit hole. Since late June I have made concerted efforts to not be a push over. But since I am deep in that hole I have tried to do it in a way that is not being an @$$hole about it. You see one of her biggest complaints about me is that I was always angry. So how do I draw up boundaries and enforce them without showing unwarranted anger or what she can claim as anger. This has proven to be a challenge for me because even during a calm conversation she pulls the anger card out and either spews or completely leaves and goes and does who knows where and what. That does not go w/o saying that I am not holding my ground better. She is showing signs of frustrations with my not backing down and has upped the anti in her rebellious behaviour especially about the OM. She knows this is my Achilles heel or her going for the jugular. She does this with all knowledge of the pain she is inflicting. The only difference is that now she is openly bringing OM into her circle of older friends and to beat all she is building his R with our children. Remember, he has been around us for a long time and was a very close friend to our family for years. So flaunting OM to me by making sure they as well as kids with or w/o W are going places and doing things w/them. Together they have changed him into "Disney Dad/Uncle/Buddy/whatever". I have reached a point now where I have lost respect a lot of respect for her and I am very bitter about our MR as it is. I do think the only hope left is to S or even D. As much as it breaks me to think that way, I feel there is no other recourse or option left on the table. However, how long or whether I choose to continue standing after that is still not decided on my part. It all depends on how she conducts herself. But given the fact that she has no respect for our M, R or for me I do not have high expectations for a favorable outcome.

Our past history during the on/off dating was that when we are together we are inseparable and soul mates. So when apart or broken up we completely take different paths and go NC from the 1st day of the breakup. Each time (twice before / pre M) she ended our R's and literally within a matter of days would be deeply involved with another man and would stay loyal to him while acting as I do not exist, even when she married during the 2nd breakup, until she has some sort of an awakening. At which point she always breaks NC and finds me. Since I have never found a committed R with anyone else for lack of any detachment from her, I have always willingly went back to her or she came to me, I really don't know which, kind of the chicken/egg riddle. However those days were a long time ago and the stakes are much higher now. Ironically FIL has told me recently that he does not understand why she has been so wayward all of her life. Mind you we met when we were in our early teen yrs, so I know her and her family extremely well from early on. Yet FIL tells me that during our breakups he knows 1st hand that her dating other men and her 1st M were only to punish me. This was never discussed between he and I until late June of this yr. I was completely floored, hence my recent decision to detach and question if any type of future R is worth the effort? She now has an open history of waywardness and a 1st hand witness to her pervasive need to "punish and hurt" me, in his own words. He even has advised me to seek a D as soon as she moves out as he seems to know what is next. I believe he is thinking of how history will likely repeat itself. Ironically during one of her spewing sessions she was bold or evil enough to clearly look me in the eye and not only tell me that she "does not and has not loved me in such a long time" but that she "has experienced falling deeply in love with other men before our M and is absolutely certain that she will fall deeply in love with another man after our D". Talk about crushing one's heart and spirit... that one all but ruined me. So when FIL spilled his heart to me about my W and her waywardness, the obvious hit me like a ton of bricks...

Not only has she been wayward in our current MR and in our past R's BUT... she was also wayward in her past R's with the other men she loved and loved her back when she would come back to me!!!

Wow, what a revelation. So yes I am a very short distance emotionally from just dropping the rope and letting her walk only if I don't do it myself 1st. But... I am adamant to not leave the house and family. It's W that wants out and she must do the dirty work and move out as well as file for the D. That I'm firm on. Our children need to know by our actions "who" abandoned the M and family as we once knew it.

As for MLC, I do suspect it but I'm not really sure. Like I have mentioned, I have known her and her family from a very early age, since Jr High School days to be exact. We lived within walking distance from each other so we were constantly with each other when not broken up. Both her parents adored her and showed her plenty of love. She is an only child and the hardships suffered as a family were financial (as they were poorer than church mice) and her parents had an equally poor marriage and relationship. FIL was openly verbally abusive to MIL and W has always resented that about him, yet she was emotionally much closer to her dad than mom and as a teen she would also openly disrespect her mom. However, that changed completely as she became an adult. She became very defensive of her mother and openly challenged her father when he was being disrespectful to MIL. She is close to both today but does show resentment to FIL which never happened as a kid. Something happened between them while during one of our breakups as I could never figure out why the change. I did speculate that FIL was wayward in his marriage. Not so much with OW's but he was defiant toward his wife in other ways, porn addiction as well as illicit friendships outside the marriage, again not with OW's but with not very good influential male friends. This may have something to do with issues of her past, I really don't know. As kids she would briefly show me signs of pain about this but do to the nature of touchy subjects we never really got into any real depth of the subject about her parents and their relationship. I waited for her to speak and she never did.

Ironically she has compared our M to that of her parents and has said that she refuses to have the same M. What I do not understand is that our MR has absolutely nothing to do with or compare w/her parents MR.

She has also compared our MR to that of my parents MR and again ours has nothing to do with that MR either. And yes, my parents MR also was dysfunctional. My mother was bipolar along with other disorders which turned my father into a workaholic to avoid being home. They never really got along and she eventually became a WAW returning apx 3 yrs later to my father during my early young adult yrs. Ironically after my father passed my mother walked away from us once again and has remained NC for almost 13 yrs now.

Maybe there are similarities but to be honest I have found very little between our parents MR and ours. I do know from past history, when W and I have any arguments about anything, she shuts down and lets things fester then in due time she checks out and we have a break up. Maybe the same pattern in her past relationships, IDK?? ((shrug)) The only difference so far has been that she has always returned to me, but I am not counting on that to happen again. I think once we are officially done then we are done for good.

Maybe I was always her "rock" and always was the "safe" place to land for her. I've always validated her and have proven that I have loved her unconditionally in the past by always being there when she needed someone the most. She was always able to transition from a failed R to a safe and familiar one for her security with me, again IDK??

So this response is extremely long and I am not sure what else to add. Please let me know what else I can provide to help you get a clearer picture? I'm an open book to you right now.

ROE