Finished my other class...96% as well. I should use that in a lottery number stream or something. That and the number 17 that keeps occurring over and over in my life.
Accomplishment leads to self confidence boosts. I'm feeling pretty good right now. It may not seem like a big deal to some, but I was seriously afraid that I wouldn't be able to do this. I now feel that my longterm goal isn't quite so pie in the sky as I thought, especially if I can find a way to deal with any stress induced panic attacks.
And then, I was wanting to call people and share, but then my friends all remembered that I had a final and called or texted me! That's huge! Why? Because its been so long since I had friends that did that (years!).When my Dad died and I had to fly down while he was still on life support, my older daughter and H continued on to the Superbowl party at a friend's house. I spoke a few times to H while at a few airports listening to all of the laughter and talking in the background from the partiers. Only the hostess sent me a condolence card later. No one else really mentioned it from that group. Oh, how I've missed having people actually care about me. Its easy to see why I was not just in love with H, but so, so dependent on him as my best friend!
Along those lines, today I am very happy to just relax by myself. So, I'll call this my journaling post. Its nice to keep a record of where you're at in the journey for those days when you're not feeling so...steady.
My dance card for Sunday on is actually a bit full, which is nice. GAL without the stress of schoolwork hanging over my head! I do have to go back to work for a few hours each day this week, then full time next week. But I'm totally ready for that. The week after that is mediation number two. I'm not doing anything else toward that. I gave my L everything she asked for plus some, so its not taking up any more room in my head til then.
Still haven't heard from H, but have spoken to the two ladies in his office who have been very clear about wanting to continue our friendship despite the circumstances between H and I. I sold two more prints this past week through the office, so we've (the office ladies and I) talked a lot. I'm steering clear of talking about H with them and have let them know I won't set foot in the office, even though for some reason they keep bringing up that I should (even to the point of telling me when Bubbles won't be there).
Same thing with the girl's. Trying not to talk about their dad, but still asked if D24 had heard from her dad because it had been awhile. Yesterday she told me she had (I don't know if he made the effort or if she did) so I just said, "good". I hope she makes the effort to visit him, as well. D25 (almost D26!), although she has made it clear she doesn't want me to bring up H with her (her boundaries-I understand and comply) still brings him up in her discussions with me (his opinions or activities). Is it wrong to want to create my own boundaries with our children in regards to my H?
So, since I'm journaling, things that I'm trying to deal with...
a) D25 has been up to the vacation home a few times now to spend leisure time with H and Bubbles has been there (with her family) both times. I can't get D25 to understand that I would like some alone, leisure time with her (not just stop by her work for 5 minutes and hurry). It also makes me feel that both Bubbles and H are being rewarded by her for their bad behavior by her spending time there. I feel that she is making the effort to see him (four hour round trip drive) but can hardly fit me in her schedule. But I am happy that they are spending time together. I can't lay the guilt on her, though. Something to discuss with the new IC, I guess.
b) Certain phrases from H keep replaying in my head lately, although I'm getting more comfortable settling into life somewhat without him as I haven't had any contact for a month. One is, "am I holding you back?". Yes, in a way he was, but more I was due to my assumptions of what my role in our marriage was. It is now becoming clear to me how much I was holding myself back from doing things to make me happy for fear of not being thought of as a loving wife catering to his needs. I needed to reach my original goals that I had before I met him. I needed those things that made me feel happy and alive before I became "his wife" and gave up me to become "us". I was no longer the person he fell in love with...I was no longer me. His fear of being like his dad (controlling) and seeing me wrap my life around him to the point of losing myself was an astute observation that he voiced worry over immediately after D25's wedding...and right before bomb drop. And I truly believe now that he saw that (I sure didn't) and thought it was all his doing (it wasn't...it was me trying to be like his mom, who I now realize wasn't happy either).
The other phrase that keeps popping up in my head was said during our last big R talk, over a month ago. "I don't know what you thought we had" (relationship). That just hurts so much on so many levels.
No, I'm not dwelling on them, but they surface at weird times. One from the guilt, the other from the pain. Why do they just keep popping up out of nowhere when I feel like everything else is starting to get better?
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
