The Fight for Self II

[CT1118]

GAL tonight, work was an major kick today. I work at a University and all of the students return each labor day time period. Crushing. Normally would go out, but lost all energy. Goes against normal response for me - forcing water upstream to not be introverted, but today there were multiple fires and I felt like I was the only one trained in saving babies (so to speak).
So normal GAL, where I would have gone out w/ new friends/ challenged myself to meet/talk w new people did not happen. Hell, even the mandatory lunch time gym got kicked to the curb today. I did however call my mother...which was a HUGE GAL. This was the woman who beat me, belittled me, and broke me for the first 12 years of life. I have tried to forgive her over the years - many years. I have witnessed her trying to forgive herself. I almost never call her. I have come to peace with her, but forgiveness still always felt far away.

She taught me aggression. She taught me to shut up and hide. She taught me to take my own pain and turn it on others so that I would not feel it. But...but...in all I have gone through in the past 4 years; becoming a father, addicting/kicking drugs, loosing a W, loosing myself, finding myself, etc. I have realized she is a human being, even if a chaos kid. I have always known she was a victim of abuse herself. She was born in NAZI Germany, there is a swastika on her birth certificate which I have. Her father was injured in the first months of invading Russia, got sent back to Germany in 1941 to recover, sired her, she was born in '42 and then he went back to Russia only to survive of all possible shtty experiences in life. She met some unknonwn mixed blood GI from Cherokee, North Carolina that her parents hated who brought her to the states and thus, 13 years after they met, 41 years after they rocked me out on a visit back to Germany,here I am.

I never made her part of my GAL, she existed before GAL and so did my journey with her. I have slowly not forgiven her, but accepted her over the years. But tonight, for reasons I do not know (other than to guess I am different than who I was), I called her and I spoke with her, which I never do. We spoke for two hours. I did not give away my WW's story of the A (mom does not know, but she is a mom - there are some sayings which may apply now?). Yet, I did speak to her open and honestly about where I was about myself, with myself, and about my son. She began crying about an hour deep. I had no emotion; I could blame that on her, but it seems fruitless at this point. She was not weeping, but I do believe she heard some of her own pain in what I expressed about myself.

I am not sure if the saying is women marry their fathers or men marry their mothers, or both, vice versa...whatever. I do know that my mother spent her life severely skull fked from her mother and that my WW is the same way. I also know I resemble my WW's father in many ways. Anyway, tonight I gave my mother more than I have given her in over two decades; it felt decent, correct, and proper. And she felt like a mother who wanted nothing more than to help her son, like she had been wanting to help me for so long, and with a desire that is only felt for things which are very old and very far away.

I am glad I got tired today. I am glad I glad I came straight home. I am glad I called her.