This road is so hard, and your road is harder than most. I'm so sorry Cherry. I don't know if talking about how hard it is helps by letting you know we understand, or makes it worse by breaking the bad news. The sad fact is that things are just never the same. So much is lost.
But, and maybe I've shared this with you before...I'm in a weird land, where while my life is more shattered and overwhelmed and full of pain than ever before, I'm also doing better than I did before.
It's like there are two separate things- how full your life is, and how much appreciation you have for what's in your life. Well, before, I had a pretty full life, but I took it for granted. I saw the differences between what I had and what I wanted. I wanted a little more. I was upset a lot at why my marriage wasn't better, or problems at work, or whatever. After BD that changed. My life seemed so shattered, so empty, the losses of belief in the world, belief in love, belief that I'd ever have anything I wanted in my life, inability to support my family due to court process, lost access to my children, and so, so, so much more...it was so much it felt that there was nothing left for me in my life. But then it flip flopped. When I had the least, suddenly I learned to shift my focus from what I wanted to what I did have. For survival reasons I was FORCED to meditate more and more on what I did have.
And what I focused on expanded. It really did. I'm more appreciative than ever before, I strengthened that muscle.
So both are true. My life is more broken and crippled now than it has ever been, I have more problems than I ever have, I am grieving and torn up to my soul...yet I am also doing better, and feel better, and appreciate what I have more.
It's freaking weird.
Anyway, that's my 'secret' that isn't so secret. While your loss and pain is greater than anything you've seen before, and while it will continue for a long, long, long, long, long time...hopefully you will feel the same experience and be shown the blessing of finding peace in the middle of a heartbreaking situation. That is what I wish for you Cherry.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
