I don't know where to start with this post, its a bit a of a mashup of a couple of topics.
Job - thank you for your inquiry after how this are going in my world, this week has seen a lot of love come my way from the board and I am truly humbled.
Unfortunately I still have not found us a house, its been a stress that I really dont need. This week I managed to get on the list to view two properties, that's all, all the others I did not even get through the door! The first we were turned down, it went to a young family as the landlord felt a family are a longer term prospect and the second did not have an enclosed garden so our dogs would not have anywhere to contain them during the day. We are now 2 1/2 weeks to h arriving, so this weekend we will be discussing Plan B, which is to move elsewhere. We have chosen a location, so now need to work out if the whole thing is doable.
Health - nothing has changed, my last Tsh level was 7.2, and still my dr feels that it is not high enough to start replacement yet, he wants to see it at 10. My next blood test is not until January 2017 now, so its plod along and put up with it. Hands and knees are stiff and painful, especially after a busy day at work, the repetitive activity of opening boxes and climbing ladders has taken it toll on my body. My fingers and arms are covered in cardboard cuts, it looks like I have been attacked by a cat lol. Mentally, tired, but I do know I have a lot going on with my job, study, the move and h being back in my life, so it is to be expected - I know something has to give soon, otherwise I will be doing lots of things badly instead of a few things well.
Study - that has fallen behind, although I am still ahead as I got my last assignment in early. I have until 22nd September to get the next in, so this weekend I want to try and do a big portion of it to get me ahead again.
Work - I know I have to leave, its not doing me any good and I need a break from it. My hours would mean doing the opposite shift to h so we would be ships in the night, which is not ideal. He has voiced it, but in a way that he is respecting that this is my job and I need to give it up for me, not for him, and he will support me whatever I decide to do. I have saved enough now to have about 3 months off, it will give me enough breathing space to have some downtime and find something else a bit more suitable. I don't know what stops me from handing in my resignation .........
This next bit I feel I need to write because I want others to know that just because my h is moving back in with me, does not mean it is all roses and fluffy clouds. I do feel guilty writing about my situation sometimes, for many here it is an enviable position I am in, I have been given the gift of possible reconciliation with my h, but I do feel guilt at "why me?". I also feel bad moaning about it, to write that I have doubts and fears, seems like I am not grateful of this chance I have been given. I feel that I have moved forwards and rebuilt enough of my life that I would have been fine if he had not returned, I did not expect him to, I even got to the point of asking myself "do I want him too?". I also feel pressure, pressure to get this right, to make it work, to not mess this up now - for myself, for h, for my family and friend, for you guys here.
So here it is - I am not totally convinced that h feels the way about me that he says he does, how can he possibly know, how can only a couple of months ago I was "friend zone" and now I am the love of his life, can't imagine it without me in it? Jump in with two feet and have faith that it will all fall into place - that is what he says. Because I feel the way I do, I am reserved in the decisions I am making regarding the move, always coming up with a backup plan in my head should things not work out. I know this is normal to feel this way, he committed to me forever once before and look how that turned out, so to have these doubts and fears are understandable, what concerns me is that they may affect the relationship as we move forward if I am not more open and trusting towards him.
Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to having him around again, we click together and the connection is undeniable. I know that its time that I need to give this and just enjoy the ride and stop worrying about us getting to the destination.
So this is what has been going on with my world and in my head this week. Feel like total head explosion at times !!
Love and hugs to all of you, to know you are here for me is worth more than words can say. So thank you. xoxo
