Don't know what to do

[Mozza]

If OW could hear what he was saying to me I'm pretty sure it would be over between them.

You're hearing both sides of the story. How does that make you feel?

You say that if you were that other woman, you wouldn't want to be with this man, likely because you see his attempts to be unfaithful (right?). Why is it that you see it with such clarity for her, but not for yourself?

[stacey9]

Hi Mozza thanks for posting. I know deep down the way he's been acting with me recently is probably what he was like with other women during our marriage. When I've got my sensible head on I am glad to be away from all the jealousy and mistrust but there's still a part of me wondering if there may be the slightest chance he might regret his decision.

I really don't know which part of the forum I belong to now. I know I am certainly going to survive the big D and live the rest of my life happily but I think I'm the only one in this forum who is still open to the possibility of a R.

This fling we had has really got my head spinning. It was so unexpected and I know he felt something too. But the fact is he is back living with OW.

So what now? Well I'll just keep out of his way as much as I can. There's a kid event coming up which means I'll be with him for a whole day most of it on our own.

And while I'm open to the idea of dating, I'm not actively pursuing this. If I happened to meet someone nice I would certainly go on a date and hope I'm resilient enough to deal with rejection.

Thanks again x

[Maybell]

For me, it's easier to be here than Newcomers. The emotions are less raw and the priorities are different.

If your recovery path is a little different than mine, that's to be expected. So what do you need here to get where you're going?

Do you have a path in mind for yourself? What do you want for yourself?

[stacey9]

Hi Maybell I have been thinking about your questions for a while now and I really don't know what it is I want exactly. I look at you, Sunny and others who have moved over to this forum and although I am reasonably content with my life I am clearly not in the same place you are.

I think what I look forward to is a time when it doesn't sting when the kids go to dinner with H and OW. Does it hurt more because I'm still on my own while they play happy families? Would I feel differently if I had a partner? I would like to be able to see and speak to H and have no feelings at all. I'm confused by his recent actions and I've recently heard that him and OW are buying a place together. He's now in a hurry to to get things moving with the marital home. Again.

I would like everything to be finalised maybe closure is what's needed here. I work full time, I exercise every day, I go out with friends at the weekend. I'm busy and I'm getting by, but I still miss him. Years later, I miss his laugh, his sense of fun, his touch. I'm being honest here. I'm living my life but if I could choose I'd much prefer if he was still in it.

I know I will be more than fine without him - maybe I'm just having a sad day , whatever it is I know it'll all be okay in the end. It always is.

[SunnyB]

Years later, I miss his laugh, his sense of fun, his touch. I'm being honest here. I'm living my life but if I could choose I'd much prefer if he was still in it.

Stacey, it's ok to miss those things. But do you miss the way he abandoned you, the way he cheated, the way he's been playing you lately? See it all, look at the whole package, and decide if you want all that back. I'm guessing not.

I told MB earlier this week I had been chasing a fantasy, meaning I was focusing on the good parts of someone while ignoring some pretty key negative elements. It's easy to do. But it doesn't make the bad go away just because I ignore it. I've chosen to move on to get a total package I can live with.

How are you doing this week?

(((Stacey)))

[stacey9]

Yes I think I'm definitely chasing a fantasy here. I feel as if he's cast a spell on me - he gets to decide whether to be hot or cold with me depending on either what mood he's in or how things are going with OW.

I was in his company for most of the day as its son's birthday. He gave him a card with a lovely heart warming story of how him and OW love him and are so proud of him, it's as if she's known him all his life!

He was here without OW of course, and he is just so heart breakingly handsome I almost reached over to touch his face at one point. He radiates some kind of magnetic energy - everyone seems to light up when he's here. Or is that just me. Am I going mad?

I really don't want to post this bit but I am a very honest person so I will anyway - when he was leaving I reached out to hug him and put my arms around his neck. He never responded. His arms remained by his side. It only last for a second but I felt totally embarrassed.

I promise to keep out of his way for the rest of my life.

[Zues126]

BD can create this weird paradox of feelings. I don't miss XW or have feelings for her because I have let her go and have recognized the person she is based on the choices and actions she took. However I do regret that she wasn't the person I thought she would be. So while our marriage was very difficult, had she remained in the marriage I would have been glad. But since she chose not to I'm at peace letting her go.

I do miss being married, being a husband, having someone that motivated me to be my best, someone I could love and care for, etc. I do miss the life we had together. I'm doing very well for myself, but of course if the option was to go back in time and have her remain faithful to our marriage...well, I was going to say I would take it, but already I am a different person and I'm not sure if I could accept the loss of what I've done in the last few years to myself. But I would've taken it at the time.

See how confusing this all is?

One thing is clear though. While it's perfectly normal for you to have feelings for him, be attracted to him, miss him, regret your loss, etc...you can't pursue him or express those feelings or waiver on your boundaries anymore. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your behavior. And in the long term by controlling your behavior you WILL control your feelings. If you religiously keep emotional distance between you and XH you will get there, because little by little you will realize your feelings are only for a fantasy and that you don't even know who he is anymore. That's what happened for me, although it took me a while. It can happen for you, but those timelines get disturbed every time you emotionally connect. That is why my policy with XW has been to be as emotionally distant as possible (well, the biggest reason was to protect myself, but that's a very closely related purpose anyway).

I admire your honesty in not needing to show off how far you've come when you still have struggles. Now have a great holiday weekend, grieve and miss him a little, but then let it go, don't do anything to connect with him, and enjoy your plans!

[stacey9]

Zues, it is confusing.

Thank you so much for your wisdom and inspiration as always.

I have read and re read yours and others posts many many times.

I will never initiate any physical contact with him again. If he initiates any physical contact with me I will step back.

I do think I need to remain honest, I've always worn my heart on my sleeve and I want to always be that person. Just not with him!