A WW? (3)

[ForGump]

lt0402-- just popped in here to thank you for your support on my thread. To be honest I can only remember bits and pieces of your situation, esp. now that my head is buzzing from my confrontation w/ my WW. One thing that has been evolving in my head is that I think we LBH's tend to over-criticize and over-apologize for our roles in a failing/failed marriage.

I now feel that I was pretty damn decent husband. Unless you had a drug addiction or you had an EA/PA yourself or you were violent w/ your W, I think we shouldn't self flagellate. Being insensitive is not grounds for D. It's grounds for two mature adults to talk and work out problems.

Trying to grow a backbone,
--FG

[lt0402]

Thanks FG! I agree, I found myself over apologizing for everything when this all started. Now I'm very careful about what I say I'm sorry for. It's no longer used to try to avoid the W having a blowup. It's only used when I realize I've truly made a mistake.

I'm glad you're in a better spot now. The conversation with the IC is a great thing. I've had a couple phone calls like that over the past two months or so, where I felt like the entire situation was hanging in the balance. I'm coming to the realization that is not the case now and it really helps to keep things stable and steady for me.

Agree on the insensitivity part, but apparently our WWs do not. On growing a backbone, it's amazing the way the attitude changes when you show them you won't tolerate it. My W is still cold and stand offish, but is no longer outright disrespectful. Does that last? I don't know. But if it pops back up I feel ready to address it as much as necessary.

What I discussed with IC is my WWs visits to see OM and how I felt they were disrespectful as well. Those, apparently, I can't control and the IC continues to preach letting my W go (i.e. Detaching). Working on it, but I still get sucked into the over analysis of everything she does/says. Part of my nature to be that way on things I care about. I do feel like her actions affect me less with each passing day though. Figure that's a good thing, but we shall see. Regardless, in house S, and acting like we are roommates (as my WW) would put it is not fun.

To quote Happy Gilmore, "Get to your happy place FG!" Let us know how we can support you brother. Glad you're in a better place than you were earlier!

[cheesyt]

lt0402 - I see so many similarities with your W and mine. Mainly in the crazy things they say. The only thing I find odd is your W is using "your" money to fund her L? and communication and outings with OM? that's interesting. My W wanted nothing to do with "my" or "our" money. Though she's in school full time and cant work she's managing to pay the mortgage, sitters, food, bills. If my W can do it, your capable W can too! (tell her to get a job!) It's pretty bothersome -as an outsider- to read about how your W doesn't trust you, wants to separate, say's you're not a very good dad, and yet she's perfectly fine sticking around!!!! Those words and actions are kind of "off". just my two cents this morning!
-cheesyt

[lt0402]

Hey cheesyt, yeah, my WW is a SAHM and I have struggled with this too. I actually discussed with my IC yesterday. I'm viewing the split of our assets as being fair because I've done my job (financial stability) and she's done hers (SAHM) for the past 10yrs. Those assets are truly "ours". What I have trouble with is funding her trips and the phone she uses to carry on the A. I haven't settled on the response to this yet but my IC says I need to swallow my pride there until we get a S agreement in place. Always appreciate your ro cents cheesyt!

Well, got up early this am, before W and D + friend. Hit the gym and ran. Grabbed a coffee at dunkin donuts, and did an hours worth of yard work. Really enjoying this early morning weekend routine.

Came inside. W had made D and friend pancakes. I shower and then come down to grab breakfast. Extra pancakes are still out, but no clue if W made for me. I grab cereal instead.

W comes downstairs and I tell her I'd like to do two things. Today at 530 I'd like to take D for a short time to a bbq one of my coworkers is having. W says D won't want to do it and it's too hot. Agree to ask D if she wants to.

Also tell W that D and I decided we want to go to a national park near here tomorrow to do Pokemon and find new fishing spots. W says no way, it'll be too hot, can't take a kid with asthma (light asthma) out in that kind of heat. We discuss back and forth for a minute and I tell W one of our issues is that she always says no to things I would like to do with D. W gets angry, says she won't discuss with Ds friend in house.

Ds friend leaves. D sits down for a snack and we hang out while W goes for a run. W gets back and her and I go to the mbr for a talk away from D at her request. W admits she usually says no to things I want to do. It's bc I'm not reliable and neither she nor D trust me. Then she says I'm not helping things by trying to schedule all of Ds time. That in a couple months (that's new) we will be physically seperated. That by pulling D closer to me, I'm going to make it more difficult when that happens. That I'm keeping D from maturing and wanting to hang out with her friends.

W then pulls out some tears and talks about how she's only asked me one time for help in the past 7 yrs. says I called my friends and made a big deal of cancelling my golf round for the day. Also says I forced her to go out to dinner that night even though she felt horrible. I don't remember this. Doesn't mean it didn't happen but I honestly have no clue.

W says that I can't just go from 0 to 60 mph in regards to caring and being there for D. W says that D is telling her it's making her unhappy and she would never tell me that bc she's afraid I won't play with her if she does. Says D still does not trust me. W also says that her and D don't believe that what I'm doing right now will last. Neither of them trust that it will. W says I need to give her a long term plan for all of "this". Same thing she said earlier in the week. I'll let her come up with a plan.

W says instead of going to the park we can all go swimming tomorrow morning. I say that works too. W then says a few times that I can take D by myself if I don't want W to go. I tell her that I'd love for her to come if she wants to. If she doesn't want to come though, then don't come. (She seemed to be looking for me to tell her I didn't want her to come). W gets mad by my answer and stomps off.

Later downstairs W complains about my cologne being too strong. Suggests putting less on. Gets angry about dishwasher rack not pulling out all the way. D says she'd prefer not to go to bbq, so I'm going for a bit then we are doing movie night.

I was proud of myself bc I kept my cool, listened without interrupting, and stood up for myself when necessary, but with few words. Felt good coming out of it. A lot of weird, incomprehensible "logic" from my W. The comments on my D made no sense. The fact she's mad about me being a better dad seems laughable and selfish.

We will see what happens tonight I guess. Really weird, but entertaining from an outsiders perspective I'm sure!

[lt0402]

Oh yeah. W continues to say she just looking out for Ds and my relationship.

Ridiculous...

[lt0402]

So. Went to the bbq. Had a good time with the folks I work with. Left there, came home and did movie night. Watched "bizarre dinosaurs", a nat geo special. D is big into sea creatures, dinosaurs, and science stuff. Love my little tomboy!

After dinner, D wants to build a pillow fort out of the sofa cushions and play in it. W is extremely against it for some reason. Instead of pressing her in front of D we decide to do some iPad time. W asks if we really want to build a pillow fort, D says yes, and W responds back ok and she's going upstairs. Seemed very angry about it and she sulked off.

D and I play in the pillow fort then snuggle on top of it and watch the end of the movie. Lots of laughs and an overall great time! W sulks back downstairs and starts poking at small things we are doing as we clean up the fort. Calmly respond to her, get the fort cleaned up, and W and D are snuggling before bed.

Very funky mood W is in. Unsure if it's us, something with OM, or what. Whatever it is, I'm focused in quality time with D. Let her have her moods. Early wake up tomorrow for gym then coffee stop. No yard work since that got done today. Pool time with D and hopefully a more upbeat W after that. D has a sleepover and I'm trying to setup a GAL activity from 5-830 before I have an online football draft with some friends in California from 9-11.

Another day tomorrow. I'm sure WW does something to try to rattle me in the next few days. Not going to let her shake me though. We shall see how successful I am. Exhausted from today though!

[lt0402]

Ha, sorry, forgot this one too. W is upset that I'm posting stuff D and I do together to FB. First, she can't see that stuff bc she unfriended me back on July 3rd, so she's getting information from elsewhere. Second, wtf.

Just wanted to make sure the list of ludicrous stuff was complete for today. It'll be interesting to see if she's in a better place tomorrow.

[mvgfwd2]

Wow, do you ever get tired of walking on eggshells? Do you always need permission from your W to do anything with D? Clearly, she has no respect for you. Quite open about it. That will continue as long as you allow it. And until she respects you there is zero chance she will stop her waywardness.

[trumpet]

lt0402,

You are destroying her fantasy. You're changing the game in her head, and she doesn't like it. She made you out to be the monster. Now you aren't. It makes her look really bad, since her actions where because you were a monster.

I think that's logical... does that make sense to you? I think the paradigm shift means she has to realize her errors. She doesn't want to face them, so she's trying to get you to behave as the monster she imagines in her head, and the monster she's probably told countless others.

When I finally gave up most of my anger, and started to treat EX-WW with 'neighborly' kindness, it made her think for a bit. She never stopped her OM activity, but I think her issues run deep, so I don't think we'll ever get back together, or she will not admit what she did was wrong. It's still my fault.

Your W's controlling actions and words will need to be talked about - I just don't have a clue on how to do it. I think in front of a counselor, on neutral ground. Until then, what you've done is commendable.

I feel sorry for my ex. And when I get the rapid-fire angry texts, I just ignore them, or respond hours later. Pithy responses.

I blocked my EX-WW and all her family on FB. Ignorance is bliss for me. I have her texts on mute on my phone - when I see them, I see them.

I want to let you know I'm pulling for you, buddy. Keep up the hard work you're doing.

[CT1118]

I now feel that I was pretty damn decent husband. Unless you had a drug addiction or you had an EA/PA yourself or you were violent w/ your W, I think we shouldn't self flagellate. Being insensitive is not grounds for D. It's grounds for two mature adults to talk and work out problems.
--FG

I did have a drug addiction. I confronted it. I beat it daily. I apologized openly and honestly twice to my W about and I meant it. But I will not self flagellate. I apologized and every day I don't use is a day proving my apology true. More important that that apology, I forgave myself for what I did. I did not cause the A, I did contribute. And now it does not even matter - I am not living in the past.

[quote=lt0402

What I discussed with IC is my WWs visits to see OM and how I felt they were disrespectful as well. Those, apparently, I can't control and the IC continues to preach letting my W go (i.e. Detaching). Working on it, but I still get sucked into the over analysis of everything she does/says. Part of my nature to be that way on things I care about. I do feel like her actions affect me less with each passing day though. Figure that's a good thing, but we shall see. Regardless, in house S, and acting like we are roommates (as my WW) would put it is not fun.
[/quote]

It0402 - I hit the very bottom with my wife a few days past a week ago. I was about 90% detached and she crossed the final line I had left and now she not only crossed that line, she built a fort there. And that was it. I am detached. Here is what it looks like: After the S began I was being nice - to get her attention. When S was two months old I agreed to go on the dates she proposed - to keep her attention. After 2nd BD I went DIM NC - to show her I meant business. After finding out she let my son meet the OM I got very very pissed at her - like it made a difference. A few days after that I realized I was detached - for me.
Boundaries no longer exist in the way they did before. Detachment, it feels good for me. I will do what I do. She can appreciate what I do or not, no different than all the other random women walking this earth. Heavy lifting is up to her now and the load is heavy. Yes, I still would like her back. Yes she is still worth a fight. But my strategy now is simply to let her see my greatest weapon; a weapon that did not exist at the beginning of the S, but one that was crafted over the course of this battle - an honest smile, worn by an honest man, who will honesty be ok without her.