MLC, WAW or WW?? Who really knows? Help...pls

[ROE]

Hi Linda, I did not mean to skip over this, just have a lot to do. Also there is a lot to cover with my problems.

What did she complain about...? Her complaints related to me and our marriage specifically. There were many issues she threw out there but to group them into more broad stroke catagories, her complaints revolved around some core issues:

Emotional neglect / Emotional disconnect
Physical neglect
Anger Issues

I can go into more detail but to keep things simple the issues just mentioned are at the core of her complaints about me. I can find an easy arguement about any of her complaints however to argue about "her" feelings would be as futile as her minimizing or ridiculing my current feelings. I may not agree with her but I do validate her feelings. It's not about my opinion. If she felt these things then they are valid. Otherwise she is just lying. I do not think that she is lying about her feelings no more than I am now about my own. In the past I traveled a lot and I am not necessarily a very hands on affectionate type. I'm not making excuses but I have had to look at myself and my personality to understand where she is coming from. If I do not own my issues and downfalls ( as she sees them ) then I have no hope of earning her trust back. I have always been faithful to her and until now I have never had reason to doubt her integrity or motives. Unless I am wrong,, we have never given each other any reason to doubt or lose trust with each other. However, listening to her today, our M was horrible many years ago. With each conversation she would back the clock up until I finally gave up talking about it. We've been married for 24 yrs, had 4 children that are now in their teens. We've been for the most part financially stable. Here recently we have struggled but not collapsed financially and we are digging our way out. I have taken this all on the chin. I have accepted accountability for everything she has blamed me for. I don't agree with everything but point being, I am addressing all the issues. I am validating her opinions and feelings, trying to do something about them. As you can probably guess.. all efforts are dissed as "too little, too late". If I've heard those words once, I've heard them a thousand times in the past 8 months. She refuses to work on our M and R. As mentioned we were never the ones to fight however in the past 8 months she has criticized me and called me every harsh name you could think of. This is not her. Someone else is in her body.

I do feel as though we are beyond reconciling, or at least it appears that way today. She is still hateful. She is openly defiant about her interactions w/OM. She taunts me with unprovoked threats to go to him and do what ever! She has corralled most of her friends to support their relationship. I am painted as the tyrant and he the White Knight. I've given up caring about the comparisons. I have tried so hard to change that perspective but I only make matters worse. Since Father's Day I have made huge efforts to not confront or engage in her spewing. It has helped somewhat but has not ended anything. At best we are mostly civil now. Which I am truly grateful for but still sad as nothing has improved.

I have read about MLC and know this is only the beginning, if you want to look at her as going through a MLC. I want to stand for the sake of our M and family, but I don't think I have the strength to make it. I love her dearly but I am willing to D and move forward w/o her. Or at least I keep telling myself that because in all honesty, I have not detached as of yet. This has been a very painful journey so far and I am only just beggining, if this is MLC.

If this is not MLC but is a WAW sitch. Then there is very little I can do or say about it. Again, with her version this has been brewing for a very long time. Though I can agree that we have had discussions (few and far between) about issues in our relationship, I never thought we were in so much danger. One rebutle I have is that we liquidated the retirement savings in my name to finance some of our real estate investments while keeping hers intact for our retirement. This was done less than 2 years ago, her idea BTW. If she is telling the truth about wanting to leave the marriage 10 yrs ago (or even 5 yrs ago) then 1) she never expressed in any way shape or form and 2) then she knew all along that liquidating my retirement and not hers would screw me over. So do I interpret this as she recently went into her rebellious mode or was she so bent on hurting me that she willingly knew she would leave the marriage and leave me with out a retirement? You see, the demons in my head right now are weighing me down. I am building resentment daily. This is not healthy at all. I am really struggling with the bitterness that is brewing in my head and heart. Yet, she continues with her betrayal of with OM. He is heavy on the pursuit even to her admittance and she not only allows it but taunts me with it and openly meets him every chance she gets.

I JUST WANT OUT!!

I can't take this anymore. I'm tired of the lies. I'm sick of the deception. I am exhausted by the betrayals! Then, I arrive home and I see our children and feel immense pain for them. They never chose this. They are innocent to all of this. I am just exhausted.

All the while her favorite catch phrase... "it's my turn to be happy" or "I'm entitled to finally find my happy"... I'm not trying to be controlling or selfish but I mean... REALLY?? Are you kidding me??

She does not realize or care that she is forgoing her time with her kids by possibly 50% of her time with them after a custody battle/war?? She adores our kids... how does she not see that she is depriving them of their time with their mother and father? Then another unfair scenario for our kids... OM has children / what if I find someone else with children?? The time our kids will spend with us will now have to be split and the affection they deserve will also be shared with the children of our new partners and their children. Again,, our children did not choose this!!!!!!! This is not fair to them. This is just selfish and plain nonsense to begin with.

I have to stop. I'm going for a walk. I will check in again later. I'm sorry Linda,,, everyone.

ROE