I was really bad at it; in fact, I was a complete pansy. But, my wife taught me well and I learned how to quell the spew. Most of the WW's power is based on your fear; once you've lost that fear, then she's lost her grip on you.
I feel as if the pit is less frequent and I am starting to come to grips with my life not including her in the future. I love her deeply but I also have serious concerns about our future should we reconcile. I guess that is cause for worry later on.
I feel as if the pit is less frequent and I am starting to come to grips with my life not including her in the future. I love her deeply but I also have serious concerns about our future should we reconcile. I guess that is cause for worry later on.[/quote]
I understand. But, if you were to reconcile, I'm sure there are stipulations (boundaries) that you'd want to put in place. Now is the time to start that process even if you don't reconcile.
I feel as if the pit is less frequent and I am starting to come to grips with my life not including her in the future. I love her deeply but I also have serious concerns about our future should we reconcile. I guess that is cause for worry later on.
I understand. But, if you were to reconcile, I'm sure there are stipulations (boundaries) that you'd want to put in place. Now is the time to start that process even if you don't reconcile.
I feel as if the pit is less frequent and I am starting to come to grips with my life not including her in the future. I love her deeply but I also have serious concerns about our future should we reconcile. I guess that is cause for worry later on.
I understand. But, if you were to reconcile, I'm sure there are stipulations (boundaries) that you'd want to put in place. Now is the time to start that process even if you don't reconcile.
anything you can recommend reading for boundaries besides the thread that Cadet first replied to me with?
Something that got me through the first few months of this...
Haven't posted it in a while....
Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.
We get the two confused.
We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.
The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.
When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.
When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.
When you argue, you're working at improving them.
When you try to reason with them.
When you tell them how much you love them.
Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.
Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay.
And watch the dynamic change.
Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.
You have put the white flag up.
You've thrown your gun down.
That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.
That, for me, encapsulated what acting "as if" meant...
I will try to get back on some other things in a bit
SadDad8 - the boundaries for reconciliation and the boundaries for DBing are two separate things. It "is" buried in the notes and not easy to point to for specifics. Much of the reading appears disorganized and it is. But keep in mind that much of the reading here isn't from a textbook. It's the stories of people's lives and struggles and those are never organized especially for people in crisis.
While you are DBing the boundaries are there to protect you and your W and to set clear expectations about what is and is not expected and especially to set the consequences for violating those boundaries. Make sure that the boundaries are achievable and that the consequences are things you will actually follow up on.
During reconciliation you will need to "piece" together a new MR from the ashes of the old and new pieces that you make together. Part of you allowing your W to piece together with you are conditions that are intended to allow you both to rebuild the trust that has been shattered. Generally speaking the A has to end and OM has to be dumped thoroughly. Rebuilding trust will require openness, transparency and honesty and you will need to be able to verify that she is living up to the trust she wants from you and visa versa (in my mind).
It's all buried in the pile of old gossip magazines and advice columns that are in the reading list. Keep in mind that this "is" a free peer supported forum. If you want some good solid advice you can act on there are paid counselors who can guide you (I'm not affiliated - just a fellow sufferer on coffee break). Many people use both resources.
Good luck and buckle in. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
