SadDad8 - the boundaries for reconciliation and the boundaries for DBing are two separate things. It "is" buried in the notes and not easy to point to for specifics. Much of the reading appears disorganized and it is. But keep in mind that much of the reading here isn't from a textbook. It's the stories of people's lives and struggles and those are never organized especially for people in crisis.
While you are DBing the boundaries are there to protect you and your W and to set clear expectations about what is and is not expected and especially to set the consequences for violating those boundaries. Make sure that the boundaries are achievable and that the consequences are things you will actually follow up on.
During reconciliation you will need to "piece" together a new MR from the ashes of the old and new pieces that you make together. Part of you allowing your W to piece together with you are conditions that are intended to allow you both to rebuild the trust that has been shattered. Generally speaking the A has to end and OM has to be dumped thoroughly. Rebuilding trust will require openness, transparency and honesty and you will need to be able to verify that she is living up to the trust she wants from you and visa versa (in my mind).
It's all buried in the pile of old gossip magazines and advice columns that are in the reading list. Keep in mind that this "is" a free peer supported forum. If you want some good solid advice you can act on there are paid counselors who can guide you (I'm not affiliated - just a fellow sufferer on coffee break). Many people use both resources.
Good luck and buckle in. It's going to be a bumpy ride.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
