Well, things really hit the proverbial fan last night! All week W has been telling me that we need to have a "tough talk" but each night she's ended up working too late or in one case was on the phone all night with her bff. Last night she got home earlier and we talked.
To briefly recap the sitch, she announced we were separated 7/2/16 and after a week, I went to housesit for a friend for 5 weeks. W and I had a talk about financials and both agreed it would be better for me to move back. She was adamant about not wanting the MR anymore, but we both agreed to not date or see other people while living under the same roof. I have been back about two weeks
Last night she started off by asking why I agreed to move back in and what I expected from her. I told her to support the family and that I didn't expect anything from her. She kept trying to get me to admit that I was back home because I was hoping to reconcile. I could tell she was baiting me here and if I admitted, she could become furious because I wasn't respecting her feelings. I told her that rec wasn't on my mind and that I wasn't thinking about it because I understood it wasn't what she wanted. She kept prodding this over and over but I didn't give in.
Then she said that it was unfair for her to live "under my rules" in order to have financial support and that she was "boxed in" because she couldn't afford to move out and be free. I told her that that must feel terrible but asked her to explain what rules she felt were oppressive and how exactly she felt trapped.
She said she wanted to come and go as she pleased to see friends and have her own life. She already has that--I don't keep tabs or ask her where she's going. She finally said that she can't tolerate not having the option to date and that that is stifling to her and hindering her from "moving on." She posed it as unfair that she was being held back because I wasn't emotionally ready for her to move on and that that was unfair to her. I validated her feelings on this Then I reminder her that our convo no was very different to what we had agreed to before I moved back in and that I wouldn't be in an open marriage.
She kept arguing that our arrangement was financial blackmail to keep her in the M and control her because I would "pull the plug" on her when ever I felt like it. I validated her feelings on this, but explained that I wasn't going to support a single person.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Btw, it is best if you don't jump into some new action until you run it by here, first. Many newcomers make matters worse by making some bold move that they don't fully understand. Know what I mean? It takes time to get all the mechanics down.
^^oops! J think I jumped into a new action here unfortunately!
I told her that if she was ready to move on and start dating, she needed to move out and set up her own place and that if the marriage was over, we needed to file for D to structure the financial arrangements and figure out custody and she be independent. I feel like this is going off the DB reservation, but it is not an empty threat and I am willing to back up my actions at this point. I do not want a D, of course, and maybe I've pushed past the point of no return, but she kept talking about how the marriage was over and the relationship was over, but we still need to coparent and have a financial arrangement. Well, that sounds like a D. I said that we could figure things out amicably together if it came to that.
All through our talk I was incredible calm and spoke gently and matter-of-factly. She got increasingly angry and more aggressive and at one point started mocking me. I stopped the convo at a couple of points and stood up and stepped back and asked her politely to not yell or curse at me which made her furious but when she calmed down I came back. When I said she needed to move out when she's ready to start dating again she was apoplectic!
I have never seen her that angry or ugly! She called me a few names, which she had never ever done before. I remained absolutely calm. She spewed at me and at one point, apropos of nothing, said that we had a lousy sex life and that I didn't challenge her enough. I know for a fact that our sex life has had wonderful times and boring times, just like everyone else's so I wasn't rattled. I asked her how exactly she felt that I didn't challenge her and she said she didn't really know!
She was so venomous! I had read about what WW's could spew but never thought I'd see it from my own W! It was like a horror movie where someone is possessed. She is so consumed with what she wants.
At one point she said she was taking our (newer) car and moving in with her friend and leaving our S with me and I would just have to deal with childcare during the day. I said that she could do that and I would figure something out even though it would be hard. I asked if that meant she wanted me to have custody of S. She said no, then said she was taking him with her to live somewhere else. I said I understood, but that I wouldn't give my permission for her to move our S to live in someone else's house in another town.
She was furious and said she couldn't believe that I wanted to get the courts and judges involved and bring a lawsuit. I said I wanted nothing of the sort, but that if the marriage is over, I wanted it to be official so that we could sort out all the arrangements and custody and that we could do that amicably.
The convo ended with her getting up and yelling at me that I'd ruined everything and slammed the door shut. She went out to the front porch and creid and got on her phone and I went to bed. At some point she sent me a text message that was autocorrected into pure jibberish. Honestly, I can't make any sense of it. I didn't respond.
This is the most intense and emotional discussion we had ever had. Both of us have been big "conflict avoiders" for years and never really fought. It seems like this was the valve being released. Again, I never once raised my voice or argued with her. I just stated how I felt and my position. I tried to validate whenever possible and this often helped to diffuse. In looking back on the whole thing as I write this, I see that I could have had a productive encounter that didn't go so far. If I had to do it over again, it may have been best to just have said, "well, if you need to start dating, you need to move out. Goodnight!" Perhaps correct DBing technique would have been to say, "Well, if you need to start dating, I can't control you. Goodnight!" I'm not sure, but I do feel like if I hadn't stood up for what we had already agreed to, how could she (or I) respect me?
