Does it appear that she is intentionally distancing herself from the children, or is it as if she just doesn't think about their needs? Obviously, she relies on you to take care of all their needs. However, she is abandoning them on an emotional level, whether she sees it or not.
Has she ever cared for the children for a 15 - 24 hr period......without you or another adult there?
There could be even darker passages of her past. Hopefully, the therapist will help her. If she never received counseling for the rape, then it could have impacted how she sees sex.
The anger she has toward her step dad leaving her (through death) could be a sign of something more serious, or maybe she just needs guidance in knowing how to sort her feelings and deal with them. Something has moved her enough to seek help. How long ago since he died? Anger is often a part of grieving. Anger toward that person, or at the situation that caused the death, or at God for allowing it. Death can also trigger something in the past that remained hidden.
No, I don't think she is distancing herself from the children. I think she doesn't think about their needs. She will be excited to see them but after a while she is off in her own world. If I'm not home she most likely is sitting on the couch watching tv and they are playing by themselves. She doesn't really do much with them. I think she may think by taking them to the store and buying a toy for them as good parenting, but she is not there for their emotional needs.
She has cared for them a few times for long periods but it's not much. I have spent 8-10 hours away on a Saturday doing things and as soon as I would get home she would pass the kids off to me and she would go take a nap.
Last night my S6 asked if she was going to call home and I had to tell him that she was probably busy at work. (she was probably with the OM by this point). She gets home this afternoon/evening from her work trip and I know she will act all excited to see them and ask them about their day, but after an hour she will probably detach from them.
As far as I know she has never received counseling about the rape. She brought it up to me 1 time 12 years ago and it was never mentioned again until she told me her therapist and her talked about it a few weeks ago.
As far as her stepdad, he passed away in 1999 I believe. She said she has been holding this anger in towards him. She has never told anybody about her feelings until she talked to her therapist about it. Also, I believe within 3 or 4 months after her stepdad passed her mom remarried and moved to another state 6 hours away, which left my w and her brother by themselves living with their grandparents. She said she forgives her mom for this, but it's another abandonment issue.
She told me she cheated on boyfriends to get them to leave so she wouldn't be abandoned. It was like she was in control of that. She would find another guy right away and the process would start over. This was in her late teens to early 20's. The pattern stopped when she met me, but she admitted this might be what she is doing again with the OM. Basically, have an affair to get rid of me and start new with someone else.
I have asked her to work on herself and I would work on myself. I have asked her if we get in a better place with ourselves then maybe we can work on our relationship. She said she is not sure if she can do that. I told her I know there are no guarantees we get back together, but I thought we should try at some point. She is a very impatient person, and can't stand this sort of waiting in limbo. She just wants to get things over as soon as she can. She said we should get a divorce then work on each other and then maybe try to get back together. She said a divorce would make her feel like a clean break and starting over again, even if that is with me. I don't really understand her way of thinking. I have an appointment with a therapist next Tuesday and may they will be able to help me out with this.
M39, W36 T12, M10 S6,S2 Discovered EA 8/8 that started 7/31
