Does it appear that she is intentionally distancing herself from the children, or is it as if she just doesn't think about their needs? Obviously, she relies on you to take care of all their needs. However, she is abandoning them on an emotional level, whether she sees it or not.
Has she ever cared for the children for a 15 - 24 hr period......without you or another adult there?
There could be even darker passages of her past. Hopefully, the therapist will help her. If she never received counseling for the rape, then it could have impacted how she sees sex.
The anger she has toward her step dad leaving her (through death) could be a sign of something more serious, or maybe she just needs guidance in knowing how to sort her feelings and deal with them. Something has moved her enough to seek help. How long ago since he died? Anger is often a part of grieving. Anger toward that person, or at the situation that caused the death, or at God for allowing it. Death can also trigger something in the past that remained hidden.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
