I took off work early and had a fun time w/ my son at a community swimming pool for a couple of hours. Yes I miss my wife, yes I miss the affection of a woman, and her touch. But splashing in the water in warm afternoon sunshine with your kid giggling -- there is nothing more fulfilling than that.
When I checked my phone as I was toweling off, I saw got a mini-bomb drop in my email. I thought it'd cut off me off at my knees like a daisy cutter, but I remained standing. My W asked in an email -- very politely and meekly -- if I had a chance to look over the DIY divorce paperwork.
And I may know something about the timing and the tone of the email. I had a long conversation earlier today w/ my FIL -- who is pretty close to my W -- about her emotional and mental state (anxiety, depression, and possible BPD). He was very concerned that my W had highly unrealistic ideas about life after the divorce, and agreed she needs professional help. He said he'll talk to her. I told him I'm not seeking a quick fix, it's about her long-term health, and that I don't want to know what transpires between the two of them. I'm guessing he talked to her this afternoon, and she wrote her email to me after that.
After getting my S for bed, I went for a long run in dusk. I stewed about having to work on my own D papers, and got angry. Why the hell should I proactively participate in cutting myself out of 50% of my kids' lives? Who the hell cares if it'll cost me more money. I want to make a stand. Let her f#@$@ litigate. I am not going to lift a f@#$@# finger to have her rob me of access to my kids. I didn't do anything bad in our marriage to deserve this. I did not cheat, I did not have any addiction, I did not drown kittens. I'm guilty of trying to f@#$#@ hard to care of my W and the family. Guilty of being a doormat. I don't deserve to have my kids robbed from me for that.
As I climbed the long final hill to my house, though, much of that anger dissipated, and I'm mostly back to where I was before: I don't know what to do. Half of me says to work out the details of the D with her, just so that she gets to see concretely what the future will be for her when she goes from a SAHM to a divorcee: 40 hrs/wk at a minimum wage job, lose our current house, move to a crappier place, see kids only after work and on alternating weekends. The other half says I can't proactively cut my kids out of my life.
WWSD? (What would Sandi2 do?)
I'm going to sleep on it.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
