Detachment and the end of limbo, sort of...too

[Phoebe]

Painter, I like your idea about changing the view a bit. I'll have to put my mind to it and see if I can tweak things just a little bit.

Well, altogether, it's been a marginal kind of day. I just don't feel physically well, I'm drowning in the legal sea, down, frustrated, just found out that my WH had yet another destination he traveled to repeatedly in 2015 (more toll plaza data), and I am just plain sick to death of everything to do with this whole mess.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with my GP, and I'd like to talk to her about starting to taper my ADs, and yet here I am, struggling more again. Ugh. Never mind that the appointment is at 9 am, an hour from my house, and I can barely get to sleep before 3 am theses days. I normally avoid morning appointments like the plague, but I booked this one last week when I was trying to be seen by anyone, and I decided to keep it because it was so hard to get in the first place.

After my GP, my plan is to go over to R-friend's place for some lunch and then we're going to a local fair, where l-friend will meet me in the evening. So, I'll certainly be busy all day tomorrow, which will keep me from thinking too much about all the rest of this.

L-friend just called me because he's worried about me blaming myself. He keeps telling me that this wasn't my fault, but I just feel like I was so incredibly naive. I was trusting and my WH took full advantage of that quality. It's just been a discouraging stretch of days again.

SH, I'm afraid that I didn't do a chocolate meditation. Instead I downed a pint of Ben and Jerry's this afternoon while I was trying to work on a set of notes for my L about the history of my M in 2015. Not surprisingly, eating the entire pint didn't make me feel better...

I'm about to head to bed because it's going to be a very long day tomorrow, but I will definitely pull up and listen to the f*ck that meditation before I go to sleep.

Wouldn't you know it that the week I'm having a tough time, my therapist is out of town? And just last week he was saying how good I seemed. I was almost wondering if he was going to talk to me about cutting back on the frequency of visits, but was waiting to see if it lasted a bit longer. Short answer: nope. didn't last.

I haven't cried in weeks, and since I got served a week ago I've been back to the old waterworks most days. Luckily it's not the fire hydrant variety of yore, but it's still enough to make me feel vulnerable again. My emotions are just bubbling up here, there, and everywhere.

Fingers crosses for better things tomorrow.

Goodnight everyone and I hope that the day brings you peace tomorrow.