Me and Midlife Wife and Midlife

[CT1118]

Hello,
I have been on newcomers board since early July, but find myself associating and relating with more of the information I read on this side of the tracks. Threads are still up on newcomer if you would like my back story. I have done a great deal of reading on the female MLC experience in a variety of locations. I would like to talk in this forum a bit and see if my suspicions as to an MLC being what I face with my W are more legitimate here. If not, feel free to take me out.

Really brief - W is in an active PA for 9 months. In house S for 1, sold house and been physically S since march. As you see in my sig, we have a 4 year old son. I am at the point where I feel detached, lost my fear, but do not want D because that is not what I want, because I still believe. Still want to fight, but am no longer doing so out of fear, loss or rejection.

So here is the short list of why I think my W is in MLC. Itemization just seems to make sense on the intro, its not meant to be a checklist, timeline, or diagnosis. Just what happened that make me curious about the MLC possibility, and I do believe an MLC was triggered in me or perhaps I had one and helped trigger hers:

- Broken family background w/ both of us. Abuse was physical, emotional, and sexual on both of us.
- W had an alcoholic mother. I had an food addicted mother. Both our fathers checked out and stayed at work constantly while we were at home with monsters.
- Both of us had parents who separated and got back together, in both cases the fathers left the mothers: W's for 3 years, mine for 5.
- W's mother died at 48yrs old 15 years ago from drinking.
- Both of us struggled with drugs, alcohol, and promiscuity in life. I did hide a pharma drug addiction from W for two years and the S led to me getting clean (over 6 months now).
- W told me that we should have never gotten married, but she does not regret it. She said she wished we would have just stayed together w/ no marriage (she wanted M, I was reluctant).
- W said marriage is a broken institution and does not work.
- W said monogamy is a broken idea and is not real.
- W said she does not deserve me or my love.
- W said she began w/ her A as a way to punish herself, to reinforce that she is not a good person, but also that it is her body and she can do what she wants with it.
- W has told me many times that she cares nothing for OM, that she is using him, that she does not know what he is, that he has no future w/ her, that he is bullsht, that he is entertainment, that he is dumb, that he lacks wherewithal, lacks drive, and lacks initiative, and that he is unable to show any kind of leadership in life (he was a co-worker).
- W said she does not love OM
- OM is 9 years younger than W, less attractive than her, significantly less income, and less social status.
- W said she not longer feels beautiful and made many statements about fear of aging and losing her looks.
- W has recently invested in thousands of dollars in glamor photos, dermatology items, botox, and other things.
- W expressed she struggles w/ fear, anger, regret, and worthlessness. Said she has lost her own self-respect and dignity.
- W said she uses OM because it helps distract her from confronting and thinking about the past or the future, only lives in the now.
- W in M complained of feeling a loss of control, that she wanted space, wanted things of her own, said she never lived her own life by her own choices and that she wants to be free.
- W said "wants to be alone to be an individual"
- W said that she could not live in the expectations of mother/wife/homemaker or she would turn "into her mother"
- W did not used to show me emotional support at start of A, but began to again over the summer
- W lies about A and hides it from me, despite me having called her out on it three times. She could be open about it, but still chooses to pretend like it is a secret.
- W is and always has been a bit of a control freak and goes insane with rage when she loses control.
- W quit communication w/ a large portion of her family and some friends.
- W has hidden A from all family and w/ exception of 1 old friend, all of her old friends. Told them all we are S b/c she was not built for marriage and gave no other reasons.
- W has gotten a small group of new friends, all from work, and all know OM. I have never met them and before S, W stated she intentionally did not want me to meet them, but they know I exist.
- W said when EA w/ OM, she told him that she was already D, but her and I lived in the same house to save money.
- W said her M life was mundane and boring and she craved excitement and wanted new things she could have for herself.
- W built a fake life on social media, including fake hobbies and fake education for things she always wanted to do, but never did.
- W is a highly successful in corporate business w/ a high salary, reputation, and in a position of power.
- W is extremely attractive and always has been (not a biased opinion, she is by anyone's standards.)
- W has expressed that she still loves me, is in love with me, and would consider us being together again in a few years, but we damaged each other. Lat time said was less than a week ago.
- W has hidden from OM that she has asked me on dates, wanted me to go on trips, asked me over for dinner, would cook meals and deliver them to me, and would clean my apartment all after S. Most of this stopped in July when I put an end to it, but she just asked me out a few days ago.
- W has been upset around me, but only at me once when I told her I did not want s4 meeting OM and she did anyway. Just found out she did it again today.
- W contacts me daily, I never initiate. Did three weeks of NC dim in late July/August.


That's it I guess, brain dump. See what you think please. Would love some input from this forum.