The Fight for Self II

[CT1118]

OK, so today's contact: She opened with a text responding to one I sent yesterday afternoon. She was laughing at something I said. We exchanged some banter. Then she got to work and saw the email I posted (I was right, she had left work before reading). She said she really needed it and thanked me for sending it. The exchanges went on all day and was entertaining, flirty at times.

I picked up s4 from school and took him to the LC for a group play session; his first one. She preliminarily suggested ADD, separation anxiety, and problems expressing emotions combined with a need to be the center of attention. No sht I thought.

Got home and while taking s4 to pool he tells me that mommy had (name of OM) to her house for a sleep over last night. I took it calmly and asked about 5 questions to clarify - he is 4, so not all sentences make sense. Wile he was swimming I was thinking about it. I did not have the anger like I did last weekend where I thought about restraining orders. I just thought perhaps I should tell her this is it, I'm out. Zero dark thirty. But then I realized, that would change nothing. Nothing at all. She wouldn't stop seeing him. Not while in the chaos kid state of mind. MLC, only self-driven.
I went NC dim for a while. The result were her freaking out, but still sticking to her guns, still doing what she was doing. It worked, but then I switched up to revealing more personality, but I was still hanging on. My freak out last week when I heard the OM met my son made me realize this. So on Tuesday, I began treating her with validation tactics again, but also slipping in subtle connection items into my communication. Literally communicating like I would have treated women when I was single - as in maybe I am interested, maybe I am not, you can't figure it out. That was/is also getting results as her communication desires skyrocketed and I would cut them off right at their peak. This approach feels less like me lying, its actually more of my real self. I most likely did not explain that part very well. I can come back to it.

Things is, way I feel right now, I have detached. I do not feel fear over this. I got here, I did it. I cannot see that going total dark would make a difference now. I've already been DIM and it felt like I was trying too hard and it felt like a response to her, not the real me. Plus, part of how I got here was by being dark when we were MR, so going dark would just look and feel like old self returning. That said, the fear is gone. I will still not initiate divorce. Then my s4 would just have two confusing sets of parents. I still do not want divorce. That is because I still believe something positive that is a new version can happen (notice I did not say return). But, either way, I have no fear.

I have had three women texting me tonight and W is not one of them. I did not see it coming, nor did I begin any of it. All of them from three distinct points in my life and one of them out of nowhere I know 20 years ago. I did not flirt with any of them or do any stuff like that. And my emotions, libido, and heart remain unmoved. Best I can tell, only one of them contacted for no other reason than she felt like talking. Point of sharing this here, is to say that the world is big and life is grand. And in the face of something like three women texting me an hour after what my s4 told me. I will not be pursuing any of them or anyone else. I remain committed to me right now and to my son. If W wants a piece of it, still cool with that, but I have lost the fear of it being otherwise.

Seems to me like my last bubble burst last weekend. The biggest fear left was my s4 meeting her OM and now its done and I cant stop it. Month number 9 of the PA approaches in September. I will see what comes. I will sleep on the idea of dark tonight.