Thank you Esame. It's true that I'm proud of myself. I have come to realise that despite everything, I have carried on doing my job to the best of my ability knowing that it could have gone horribly wrong for me.
I can see how much growth I have achieved since my stitch started. Recently I got into an argument with a friend. Her H cheated on her and just got recently married to OW, I happened to meet him and her and we chat a bit and asked them how they were. My friend went ballistic because of that, she said that if she had seen my H she wouldn't have engaged with him. She was hurt that I ask a question about their wedding. I just did it out of courtesy as I would do for anyone who were getting married. I understand that she is hurt but I feel I have the right to talk to who I want. I'm feeling sad for her because she has so much anger against him, and limit his access to their kids. She is so bitter and at times she doesn't understand why I'm not behaving like her.
I have realised that being angry, checking every minute on FB and talking negatively about H is keeping me in the tunnel, the pain is excruciating and the only person that is hurting is me not H. For me not engaging in this behaviour means to let it go.
Despite what H has done to me I don't want to end up being bitter, unhappy and hurt for the rest of my life. I have been a very negative person and I'm doing my hardest to break that vicious circle of being negative and I think that being around this friend isn't helping me. Every time we met, we end up talking about XH/ H and I always feel down and bitter after meeting her.
I think people (who were betrayed) might not like what I'm going to say, but at the end of the day H did wrong, it did hurt like hell but if I carry on dwelling on the way past, being angry, limiting his access to kids (which I don't), and wishing him bad like my friend towards her XH, does it make me a better person than H?
Personally I don't think so. If I was to do all that, I'd have stooped to H's and OW's level, and anyhow I'd end up being the only person being hurt and bitter. H has moved on, I can't change what happened but I can become a better person. I do believe in karma, and I know H will one day reap what he sowed, and when this happens it'll not matter to me because I'd be living a fulfill life.
Does it make me doormat for not wanting revenge, for being friendly with H? No, this is making me a better person, more compassionate, and I'm loving the person I'm becoming and I'm really starting to enjoy life. I only wished I had learnt about it in a better way than through betrayal, but then again I don't think I'd have done all this work on me if it hadn't happened.
I don't know if what I'm writing is making sense but I haven't felt so hopeful, so grateful for my life and happy for a very long time.
