My WW saga and where to do from here?

[sandi2]

You said it yourself, this is not the girl you fell in love with and married. Her mindset is not the same as it once was, so you have to realize you are dealing with a different type of person. One who has no qualms about hiding the cash money she makes, lies she tells, disrespect she shows, or doing whatever it takes to fulfill her selfish desires.

Instead I am working to get my ducks in a row so that if or when she tells me shes seeing other people, I can tell her she needs to be independent and set up her own household somewhere else.

Well.......it sounds good, but it doesn't usually work that way. You use logic.........she dosn't. She isn't going to nicely agree that she has to set up her own household.......at least, not without you financially supporting her lifestyle. Don't think for a minute she'll calmly give up her benefits of being in this M. And, I rather doubt she'll just announce that she's dating, unless, she is certain you will continue doing what you currently are doing........which benefits her. She will always think of how she will benefit from..........whatever.........b/c her selfishness drives her. If there is nothing in it for her......she's not interested. You need to remember this as long as she remains wayward.

No matter what her high standards and moral principles may have been in the past........and no matter how trustworthy she was........it has changed. She is wayward and will remain as such, until she suffers some loss, as a result of her waywardness.......and she knows it is b/c of her waywardness.......and reality slaps her in the face.

You cannot nice her back into the MR. It doesn't work with waywards. What does have a more positive affect, is laying firm boundaries with effective consequences if crossed. For the wayward wife, it's about the lack of respect for her H. Therefore, he needs to have inner strength to deal with what lies ahead. She needs to see him as a confident male......and not one she can lead around by the nose. She needs to see a man who is not afraid of her, and who will take up for himself. She needs to see that he is a man she cannot manipulate. If H's would understand that the dynamics need to change before he has influence in his WW......I think we would see a lot more divorces busted.

I suggest you evaluate your MR, and be very honest with yourself.

Many H's get confused about 180's. They figure out all the ways they have failed, and are excited to prove what a great H they can be. The problem with having a wayward W is that his efforts to be the "perfect husband" doesn't work. Don't forget, it is about her lack of respect. So, you will be spinning your wheels, if you don't get her respect, first.
You can't talk her into changing her mind. You can't cater her back into the MR. "Proving your love" to her (the way you think of proving it) doesn't work on a WW. Why? B/c she can't love you unless she respects you. It is a matter of respecting you as a man, and as her H.

So, while you are getting all your ducks in order, you might want to think about the ways she has shown disrespect to you. Little ways, all the way to the bigger show of disrespect. (And if you need help in knowing if it was disrespect or not......just ask me). Then, decide what you can do as you go forward. If you decide you will not tolerate disrespect in your own home......then you had better think long and hard about the consequences if your boundaries are not honored. Don't say anything you are not fully prepared to back up. She will test you!!

Btw, it is best if you don't jump into some new action until you run it by here, first. Many newcomers make matters worse by making some bold move that they don't fully understand. Know what I mean? It takes time to get all the mechanics down.