Out of in house S - On My Own (11)

[vise82]

Hey RAI,

Yes I am frozen with fear I think. Like you said I seem to know what I want. I have been waiting for W to ask again but she has not even mentioned it again.

I think at the start of BD one of my first moves was to not go to her parents house for Sunday dinners, it started with a Sunday that her parents were having a birthday party for S4. We as a family already gave gifts and had a party for him. We also organized a party for him and his friends. This was a party that W parents wanted to have for him. It hit W very hard, she took off her rings that night (they were back on after that night). I hurt her and I could see her pain as it turned to anger toward me. She turned it into me not going to my sons birthday party to everyone else making me look bad not mentioning to them that it was his third birthday party that week.

Yea I am taking my time also because she has not given me an answer for giving me the OK to let my boys visit with my family. Something that I thought she would give right away if I wanted it.

I have been playing in my head how it would play out if I was to use what She wants to get what I want.

The most recent is she is asking me if we should sign them up for cub scouts but the day they have to go is her day with them but she will be at work late and has a babysitter looking after them until she gets home. It turns into a logistics puzzle for me to pick them up from her place from the babysitter then drop them off at her house after. It would mean more interaction with W, more coordination, I would hardly see the boys except for in car transport and it makes it hard for them to see me for such a short time then I am gone until its my turn with them again.

I want to tell W that we are not doing anything together with the kids for his birthday but part of me thinks why cant we just go out for dinner together? Oh that's right She doesn't want me as her husband, we don't do stuff together anymore. We did go out as a family for her birthday initiated by me. Then she never reciprocated back the whole summer as I did sat dark to her after that dinner.

I thin I am also reading way to much into this. I am thinking like this is her wanting to come back. I am sure it is not. but as you can see it has shook me. I was not expecting it.

The thought of her coming back scares me. Part of me know how bad I was treated and know I should be keeping my distance. Part of me is scared if she did come back I would not be strong enough to fight for me and what I want to protect myself.

Part of me wants to hold onto this idea that she want to come back. By not responding that is still alive and it makes me feel good also even though its pure mind reading. But I must reply, stand up for me, face the reality that we are still separated.

I am all over the place with this. Up and down and sideways. Like I said before I am spinning. I though I was heading to being ok to move on but another part of me pulls at me to keep some sort of R with W. The bonds she has on me are strong and very hard to break.