Trying to Figure Things Out

[Eagle11]

Hello everyone. I found this message board about a week ago after reading the DR. I will try to use the appropriate abbreviations but I am still learning them.

Here is my story. I am on my 2nd marriage. My first one lasted only 2 years and ended because my w cheated on me.

My current w and I have been together for 12 years now and m for 10. We have a S6 and S2. The m has had its ups and downs like all marriages. There has been 1 major incident that took place in the winter of 2008-2009. My w went back home to Ohio to visit family while I stayed in Arizona to work. While she was back there she went to a bar with my sister and friends and flirted with a guy at the bar. My sister saw it and got my w out of there but somewhere along the way my w and the om exchanged phone numbers or emails because when she got back home to AZ she started an EA with the om. This went on until February when my w went back to Ohio and met up with the om again and this time they kissed but nothing else happened. When she came home from this trip we really didn’t speak to each other and she tried to have me sign divorce papers. This went on for a couple of months until somewhere along the way we decided to get back together. About a month or so later she got pregnant with our first son.

The next year we moved to Florida for her work and I became a stay at home dad. The job we moved to Florida for she ended up hating and wanted to quit right away. Eventually , she found a job in Upstate NY and we moved there. I was not a fan of where we moved to. There was nothing to do and the winters were bad. I had gotten use to nice winters and I think I got depressed dealing with the cold and snow. At some point during our time in NY she went and talked to a lawyer about a divorce but didn’t do anything. She never told me about this and I only discovered it when I found the lawyers business card one day a couple of months after the appointment took place. I never mentioned this to my wife because I think I was scared.

About 18 months after moving to NY she changed jobs again and this time we ended up back in Ohio. I enjoyed moving back there because we were a couple hours from family and friends. Plus it seemed easier for her and I to do more things together as a couple. In January 2014 our second S was born prematurely and spent a month in the hospital. I think this brought us closer together as a couple.

In August of 2015 my w got a promotion and we moved to Georgia. We were excited about her career opportunity and the move. Things started off well but since we moved here we have less time to spend together as a couple. She works long hours and we haven’t really found anyone we are comfortable with to watch the kids so we can have time with each other. The last time we had any time together was back in April when my parents were visiting.

About a month ago (end of July) my w had to go to Las Vegas for a work conference. While there, she apparently flirted with a work colleague of hers. This is a guy she knew from work but his office is actually in another state 3 hours away. She told me later that he tried to kiss her but she wouldn’t let him. When she got home from her trip she told me she was experiencing panic attacks while she was away and she hasn’t been taking her medication (she has suffered from panic attacks since I’ve known her). She didn’t mention anything else though.

The next week was a tough one. She was withdrawn and distant from me. She acted disgusted with me and like she didn’t even want to be in the same room with me. She also worked extra long hours that week and often didn’t get home until 9 or 10 at night.

On August 8 she sat me down and told me she wasn’t happy and wanted a divorce. I asked her to try to work it out, but she said she didn’t think she could. I remember she drank a whole bottle of wine that night and by the time we were done talking she was drunk. I went into the kitchen to get the kids some ice cream and when I returned to the living room I found her texting the guy from Vegas. I took the phone from her and read the texts. It broke my heart to read what they were saying to each other. She was having an EA. She tried to explain that he doesn’t mean anything and it was just making her feel good. I told her she needs to stop but she said she didn’t think she could.

A couple of days later we talked some more and she discussed some problems she has that she has learned about since she started to see a therapist the previous week. She told me she has abandonment issues with men. Her mom and dad divorced when she was 6 and her step dad passed away from ALS when she was 18. She blames both these men for leaving her. She then went on to say that before her and I dated she would cheat on boyfriends. She said she was afraid she would get hurt by them so she would cheat to do the hurting first.
She then talked about problems she had with me. She said I was selfish (I agree), she didn’t feel I took an interest in her life (I disagree) and she thought are marriage had gone stale (I agree). I told her I was working on my issues and she commented that she saw that I have but she didn’t know if it mattered at this point.

For the next week or so things were ok with us. She moved to the guest room in our house. We were friendly with each other and didn’t fight and had a couple of good talks. Then this Monday she told me she was going to have to go away Thursday for work and would be back Friday afternoon. The place she has to go is where the OM works. She said not to worry she will be with other people, but she will have to see him and talk to him because they are working on a project together. She left this morning for her trip and I know that tonight is the night her EA become a PA.

I’m not really sure how I feel right now. I think if I didn’t have the two kids I might just walk away, but I really would like to at least attempt to work things out. It’s a weird feeling I’m having right now knowing she is in the same room as the OM.

I should also mention that when she says she wants a divorce she doesn’t want anything to change. She said she wants me to continue to live at the house and take care of the kids just like nothing changed. I told her it doesn't work that way and if we get a divorce I will not live with her. I think she wants me to do her housework, watch her kids , take care of the yard, listen to her when she gets home from work while she continues with the OM. She kept asking why we couldn’t live like this and I kept telling her because people don’t do this when they get divorced and I won’t do it either.

This whole thing is just crazy and I can’t believe it only really started about 2 ½ weeks ago. It feels like its been going on forever. I have a therapist appointment next Tuesday and hopefully that will help me deal with some of this.

Anyway, thanks for letting me tell my story.