AJM, I agree with all you've said. I'm trying to not have those expectations. It was really hard for awhile there as I kept getting little breadcrumbs, whether they were intentional or not on his part, and I'd just eat them up. I haven't heard from him in weeks, my stats class is DONE (96% !!!) and I'm actually behaving like I used to in anticipation of my psyche final tomorrow (somewhat relaxed-my old "zen" self).
You're right, I just need to go through my lawyer on everything. I did reach out once by text while I was being a bit panicky (in general) and asked him to deal with us getting him off of the account, but for the first time...absolute silence. So, that also helped to drop that rope.
My next mediation is coming up. It will probably be our last. Two days after that I have an appointment with a new IC who was highly recommended to me. Here's a funny story...H's old assistant is her receptionist. We were friends when our kids were the same age(I even babysat for her for awhile) but we had drifted apart as our kids got very involved in different after school activities because we just never saw each other anymore. As I have said, all of our friends were somehow associated with his job or the people he worked with. As I was giving my name on the phone, she recognized me by my name (not voice)...we both started cracking up. Its not a problem though. To be honest, I would love to catch up. Just seems a little awkward on the surface. Oh well.
Esame,
I'm hoping the IC helps me with the panic attacks, although I think the stress of the classes with everything else was a big part of it. And I dislike math and that's a whole 'nother ball of goo. But I don't want to get into a 2 year program full time with even more stressors and not have the tools to deal with it. Its a THERAPY program, for Pete's sake!
The Chinese whispers idea of memory is interesting. My whole class has been interesting. I've taken psych classes before, but until recently I've lead a charmed life. This time, I could relate things to myself, people and events and get a whole new perspective (experience really does help with understanding). Unfortunately, it also helped me to understand how much my little oopsies in DBing helped drive him away when H would (possibly) be sticking his head out to sniff the air. The last time I saw him, when he made the comment about me trying too hard not to call, I really should have just nodded and said I understood or "ok". But no, I had to make a speech about how he knew how to reach me and that he broke my heart...Not the best way to let someone know its safe to be around you. Learning curves...
I start back to work next week and am so ready for that. I've been able to see both of my daughters recently and not dwell on H, so that's progress. It does make me sad, though that although there is communication between my older D and H, my youngest (with the anxiety and depression battle) has not heard from her dad for longer than me. All I could do was encourage her to reach out to him to just say hi and let him know she loves him. But that's sad. I know he told me recently that he can't care (about her issues and lifestyle) because it would "kill him". But that tells me more about him than her, and she needs her dad in her life even just a little bit. So that's sad.
Anyway, just checking in. I'm reading everyone's sitches and hopefully can post a bit...just to say hey and lend an ear or support, after this week. Boy, there does seem to be some drama on a few threads related only to the posters. Never thought I'd see that. Anyway, life is going on.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
