WAW, bouts of anger still spewing, awaiting the D.

[SH_]

Alright now. I have been hiding long enough and now I am here to attempt to come out of hiding so to speak.

It has been a challenging month for me, in the sense that there is a battle raging inside me. My demons are doing a number on me and it is all I can do to muster up a good face for the outside and hold down the boiling of worries that plague me.
Basically I feel like I am walking around in a fake shell putting up a front so that everyone will believe that I am going fine and will move on with things.

My support group that I have had has dwindled down to,...... well,..... it's gone.
It was small to begin with, and now it is gone.
My close friend from work moved to Oregon for a a great opportunity.

My brother has faded in availability now that he has settled to his new home and job in Florida.

My parents have gotten through very challenging time with my mothers cancer, which she has beat down like a boss and has been diagnosed as officially cancer free. (my prayers were answered)
But the emotional toll has really changed them. My father is very negative when we speak, and my mother almost sounds as if she is sad that she survived the cancer. So I don't reach out as often and when I do, they are very hard to get a hold of.

My childhood friend has reached a critical point in his MR as it has now been almost 2 and half years since the BD for him and finding out he had a WW. So most conversations with him are about him and his desire to see that she is trying or he wants to walk away.

My IC says there really is nothing more he can do for me and kind of blew me off. He is working with my D18 and she has been pleased after a couple of sessions so that is good.
I have not had the heart to seek out another, as I don't know what else there is to talk about.
I want off the AD's, but doc wants to wait one more month until after D is done.
I won't go into that nonsense right now, but will say, I wish it would just hurry up and be done. The angry WAW comments are becoming a thorn in my side that just keeps pricking the hell out of me. But I do not react nor respond, so there is that.

But anyway, I have hit the realization that I have withdrawn, as is my pattern in life and I am finding comfort in simply being alone, by myself. Comfort being alone, but feeling lonely when with people. Not sure how to process this.
But, the alone time is when I start fighting in my head about my lack of progress in life.
Ugh!!! It is a vicious circle that I can not seem to shake.

I ramble now, and my purpose was to pop in and thank my tribe (as Vanilla would say) for the support they share with me. I am eternally grateful for each of you that stop in to check on me and for the kind words. It is the sincerest support that I have felt since the time of the BD for me.

I have come in many times to interact and then would get caught up reading others situations and go into mr fix it mode and try and lend my help.
I think I do that to avoid my own issues. Or maybe Bluwave is on to something as it relates the the Mr. Nice guy syndrome. I am not entirely sure.

But that has become draining of late as I see so much hurt and the more surprising thing is the bitterness that has come up. So much lashing out at those that have gone through this and are in better places and trying to help.
I just don't get it.
Folks that really don't have any obligation other than to pay it forward and the nastiness that is tossed at them simply because one does not like the style for which the advice is given.
I mean, do you yell at the doctor that tells you to stop smoking because you have cancer?? Or tells you to stop eating like shi7 because your cholesterol is way high.
WTF?!!?
I'm sorry, but stop whining and look in the mirror. It is not ALL your spouses problems that you are the LBS. When you get here you say "it is all my fault my s is leaving me." Folks point out that it is not, and that it is 50/50. Then you flip and blame the WS for everything............ and get upset when you are given advice to help you out. Why the heck do you come here looking for support, when in fact it seems like you just want pity.
And there I go again....ramble on.....
SH, just STFU!!

So, I am going to focus on thanking each of you for your support.

Phoebe. My dear Phoebe. My rock and my dearest friend and partner as we have been walking through hell. I know that a higher power placed you in my path and you have been instrumental in keeping me sane. I have been watching you (again that sounds creepy) through your thread and my heart and my head fight over what to say and share with you. You have come so far and have done so much to get through the nightmare. I will just say, I hope you can step back a bit and really look into the message of the person you should marry first. Do not become to dependent on temporary comfort or companionship to get through the pain. It can be like painkillers after surgery. They make you feel so good, but then you become addicted to something that is not good for you.
Slow down a bit.
Challenge yourself to take on some of the pain and chaos on your own.
This will prove that you can.
This will be the test to determine the level of healing you have achieved.
This is where you make big gains in strength and confidence.
Be cautious.
Get back to some basics of self love.
meditation, studying information that strengthens you, facing yourself.
You are a wonderful person.

Vanilla, I miss you and your wisdom. I know you have been dealing with some challenges of your own, and I send my prayers out to you everyday. I hope that you reach a peaceful place and I hope to converse again with you in the near future.

JksD.
You joined my tribe a bit later in the journey, but I just love your humor, cherish your wisdom and the GAL challenges are the best.
I will look into this geisha move. I will of course be stubborn and try it with the caveman hairy legs and see where that gets me. I have noticed that you are also in a down place of late and my prayers go out to you. I hope we can get back at the Gal challenges and sharing of wisdom soon. Be well until then.

Sara. Finally you have updated your name. It sounds very Super heroish and I love it.
You have also been a busy bee taking on so much. Your WH is very much a yoyo now and I pray every time I notice an update from you that he is snapping out of it with actions instead of words.
Stay the course. I have not seen a DBer in my time do so much with so little and still appear to be closer to successfully busting a D. I am here rooting my guts out for you.

Cherry, hang in there sister. You are one sassy mama and I know that you will come out on top. The WH of yours is simply an idiot I am sorry to say. I know you love him, but he is gonna have to learn the hard way. Keep that chin up and thank you for your support.

rich, you have popped in many times in my time here. I appreciate the ongoing support and words of encouragement when you are in the neighborhood.

Ripe. This really touched my heart when I read it.

SH
Just came here because I had to tell you that you are a wonderful human being.
Thank you for being with us here.

I had thought of you just recently as it had been awhile since you posted in your thread. How are you? I know the last we heard you were at a huge crossroad.
You and your family remain in my prayers and I hope that you find it a benefit to return when you are ready as your insightful knowledge and consistent seeking of beautiful and wise knowledge has always been a source of strength to me when I read it.
Be well my friend and I hope to converse with you soon.

roist.
I have failed in my commitment to you after reaching out for your guidance.
Strike that, I have not failed, because I ave not given up, but I have been neglectful in my commitment.
I am at a crossroad that will require changes in approach and direction. I will look to you as your insight is of great value to me. I will be pulling the assignment you shared with me tonight and printing it so that I must face it until I complete it.
It is time to face the man in the mirror. It is time to solve my own riddles.
I can not truly help others, if I can not conquer my own demons and dark passengers.

As sandi2 mentioned in another thread, folks may start thinking I learned from her the art of the long post. So I will close this one for the evening and return tomorrow with some updates and journaling from the past month.

Thank you all that have supported me and I look to try the community from a different angle.
One of positivity, support and self help.
This appears to be my support group at this time. I will lean here as I gather my strength and energy to create one IRL.

I saw this and think it is appropriate for me to focus on and use as my mantra for my battle.

"Your strongest muscle and worst enemy is your mind. Train it well."