Keep Wearing Wedding Band? [Thread #3]

[ForGump]

AndrewP--

Yes on all your bullet points, except for "not looking for a D." She has indeed asked for a D, picked up paperwork to file ourselves, and is waiting for me to familiarize myself with it so we can fill out the forms. And I've just sat on it.

Another important bullet point: W suffers from anxiety, depression, poor impulse control, and (likely some form of) borderline personality disorder. She smokes pot each night before bed to calm her mind.

Neither of us talks about the future beyond the week.

The two baby steps for departure are:
(a) the aforementioned D paperwork and
(b) a moderate effort trying to get a career off the ground -- which is not working and will not work.

I believe she has a vision of a life w/o me, but they are more about her desires than concrete plans. I mean, the vision and the plans might be concrete in her head, but I doubt they are realistic in terms of supporting herself and taking care of the kids and meeting some fantastic due.

When BD #2 came in May, she wanted to initiate D immediately, and have me out of the house in June. Obviously those dates have slipped. I think the urgency was dictated by her impulsive nature. Judging by her coldness, however, I don't think her overall direction has changed.

Wearing clean underwear,

-FG

[Coly23]

Just thinking Gump. Maybe you should see this as the bomb has already dropped and everything that happens from now on is as a result of that original bomb so you are not constantly waiting for another one....

[ForGump]

Thanks Coly23.

I think of it as one of those daisycutters you hear about....

Cruel, and should be banned.

[JRuss]

ForGump -- maybe the pot will affect her short term memory, and she'll forget about wanting an affair? I say that as someone who partook way too much in his formative years, so with one of these at the end :>

[ForGump]

Just makes her paranoid and impulsive, I think....

I hope you'll take a look at the Esther Perel Ted Talk. I think she's right on about the paradox of both closeness & distance being needed in a marriage ...

Also, I've been thinking about the idea of staring in the other person's eyes for 4 minutes ... (mentioned in the "15 Things..." article above).

[ForGump]

OK I have thought this before, and I know it's a common phenomenon among WW's, but I don't think I've said it:

My WW is behaving like a jerk to me. She treats me like she's annoyed or angry at me all the time. She's curt in everything she says. I think she has to do this to distance herself from me, and because she needs to feel contempt for me to justify her leaving me.

Really makes me wonder where the woman I married went....

[Cessna]

Same with me. Everything I do. Have done. Have said. Will do. She hates. I am the worst person on the earth. I am a POS. Believe nothing what they say. 1/2 of what they do? Tough. Tough. Tough. No winning. I think I'm a doormat now. My normal self wouldn't put up with that. No matter what I say, text, email, in person. Nothing lower than me. Make sense? Thanks people!

[JRuss]

ForGump -- that behavior is part and parcel of the WW from what I'm learning. Really, what would you expect from someone so deep in the fog and so Self-absorbed that she would cheat, thinks little to nothing about impact on you or your children and is apparently wishing for D -- with no real regard for the consequences -- like we used to long for Christmas when we were kids? I posted in lt0402's thread that it might be helpful at times to view her and this behavior like Marlin Perkins might observe an exotic African animal on the the Sarenghetti. They really are that far out -- and it keeps you at a healthy(ier) distance, emotionally.

[Jug]

Gump-

More similarities between our ww's. Mine is talking more and more about jobs, including ones she would never consider before. Haven't seen solid action though and try not to let it rattle me.

She is also disproportionately angry with me about small things that I do that I will apologize for and not defend. I validate even. Screwed up...

[ForGump]

Marlin Perkins! Classic! Yes, definitely, that's the viewpoint I need to adopt.

It makes me wonder who the real person is/was, though. Was this who she was all along, just repressed to make marriage work? Or has she entered into some wild mental state now? My IC believes there is a long track record ... and I think she's right. This is some feral state of mind she's entered into, but it fits a long term pattern of personality issues.

I am feeling more prepared than ever to let her go, and move on w/ my life. The only problem is I feel it will be devastating for my kids.