The Fight for Self II

[CT1118]

Thanks albac. My work requires me to be very public and in front of people. This is not a problem, but it leaves me exhausted - introverts need quiet/solitude to recharge. The 1:1 talking is the worst. I have chosen to disrupt that in my life and do something different.

I want to return to something Andrew P brought up about my IC stating the uniqueness of my WW. I do see many many similarities here w/ my sitch and others. What I do think maybe different from most and what I believe my IC referred to:
- I never heard ILBNILWY. Never heard IL OM
- OM has been hidden from all family, friends (as I just found out except 2), social media, and co-workers; this has been sustained from the beginning and gone on for 8-9 months now.
- WW has repeatedly trashed and degraded OM and stated she does not "know what he is", does not "have interest in him as a man" etc. I could go on and on here.
- WW continues to lie about OM to me, despite being outed twice and could speak freely about it if she wished.
- WW still states she is in love with me and attempts to show physical affection, but does not seek the favoritism of asking me to repair/fix/provide, i.e. there is no exchange from me for her emotions.
- WW still refers to me when speaking with others as her H.
- WW states that she wants a D so that we can date again as she hates the roles society asks her to fill as a W, mother, homemaker.

I don't know. I could go on I guess. Definitely other things. I mean she is in & she is out. Why I think its MLC. But I also think I dealt a great deal of pain with my addiction to a woman who was already in pain. So, I am I plan B? Maybe. Is she MLC? Maybe. She is certainly confused as to what she wants in a way that she is wanting to move on, but also not willing to move on b/c she does not know what she wants. I have never doubted that she loves me, nor I her. What I think both her & I question is could we ever be together again as a couple. May take is yes, but we should work on it together. Her take is maybe, but we need to work on it apart.

So, the past few days since this weekend I have settled back into detachment and it is feeling more comfortable. I truly do know I will be alright if her and I never get back together. I am not sure if that disappointment would ever go away - I have read far too many D regret stories on the internet and many of them written by women who left men. Its all just such a damn shame. But my progress as a human, well that looks good. I am achieving my goals. I am even going back to work now. I only diverted from work as I felt like putting this out there.

Strength is my wish to all of us.