Being good at disagreement

[Zues126]

There could hardly be a more heated debate than what constitutes abuse. It's an easy case to make that there needs to be a war against abuse, it's never ok, it needs to be stopped. All of which is completely true, but doesn't address the question of what abuse is.

I am not qualified to define where abuse becomes excessive and a spouse should file D to protect themselves. There is definitely a time and place. But I also believe it is possible that defining abuse more and more loosely can hurt the individuals these movements were designed to help.

Suppose that our society defined abuse as any relationship in which either spouse ever raised their voice or lost their temper to the point their spouse felt uneasy and uncomfortable. Wouldn't that apply to 100% of couples at one time or another? And if our message was 'Don't allow yourself to be abused, abuse is bad, you must fight it by not enabling it, be strong enough to stand up', wouldn't that then imply that all marriages should end?

Clearly there are abusive marriages and marriages that need to be aborted for survival reasons. And on the other end of the spectrum there are normal marriages, that have some conflict, some adversity, but that fall within the range of 'normal'. The problem is that as we try to educate our society and increase the awareness and priority on preventing abuse, it has the additional effect of making the abuse detectors more and more sensitive and include more and more of the behavior that historically has been accepted as normal.

I believe this is contributing to a rise in divorce. And even then people can defend that, saying "better to be single for ever than to be abused, humanity needs to evolve before it's worthy of partnering".

Am I suggesting that we send the message to 'suck it up, stick it out, make it work for the kids even if it takes your life?' NO NO NO. No.

But the message of "you shouldn't EVER feel scared, controlled, hurt, or make sacrifices in your life for your partner, because that is abuse, and you are a free spirit that should soar", well, that's not how marriage works either, and I'm not sure it's helpful.

Watching this all play out makes it feel like a dangerous pool to go swimming in. Speaking specifically about me I can assure you that XW has me labelled as emotionally abusive, controlling, diminishing, hurtful, manipulative, and that she had to leave because she was walking on eggshells, had no self worth left, and was dying inside. But in my opinion I am not abusive. I didn't hit her. I didn't call her names. I didn't cut her off from friends. I didn't control the finances. I loved her with all my heart, wanted nothing more than to make her the happiest woman in the world, and that thought drove me every day from sun up to sun down. FOR SURE if you followed me around with a camera over my ten year marriage my top 5-10 worst moments would look down right horrible, and if that represented my daily interactions then it would paint a different picture...but in my assessment I am a typical man trying to navigate through life and marriage and struggling with my humanity the best I can.

But when it comes to marriage it doesn't really matter what I think, it matters what my partner thinks, and to your point I am somewhat serious when I say that I don't feel like partnering because I don't want to be labelled/judged/condemned of such an accusation and then cast aside. No thanks. I see how this works, I don't want to play. So just as some don't want to remarry because they don't need the abuse, I don't want to remarry because I don't need to be accused of the abuse. Of course this can change, and there are many people that share these beliefs that I would feel safe with, that could also feel safe with me. So we shall see.

I don't have answers. I guess the pendulum will swing, there will always be abuse on one side, there will always be divorce on the other, and our society will fumble around trying to find the right outlooks and values to minimize the pain and provide the structure for some positives in the middle of it all. I just hope to create awareness of the costs of defining abuse too liberally, not so we accept it in any way, but so we can give ourselves the best chance of finding that balance point and getting along with each other the best we can.