Being good at disagreement

[Zues126]

J, being angry for what he has done and getting angry for what hasn't happened are two different things.

You have every right to be angry for what has been done.

As for 'red flags', and 'how do you know if the next person will do something like this'...to me I don't know that the next person WON'T do something like this. This might be a bit pessimistic, but prior to my pessimism I was idealistic and naive. I had no idea how marriage worked, or as is usually the case, didn't. Having been on these boards for a couple of years I see the fall out, I see the negativity of both the WAS and the LBS of their exes, I see the infidelity rates, I hear people continue to proudly glorify their individual happiness and swear off the 'abuse' of being in a marriage.

So personally I already know that if I get into a relationship I am my partner's future ex, that it is just a matter of time before I am the abusive a-hole that is forcing her to lock her heart in a box, withdraw, walk on eggshells, be the anchor for her kite, diminish her and keep her from soaring and being the person she wants to be. And I know that I will be cast away and she will celebrate her freedom and prove she made the right decision by how happy and free she feels when she burns apart our life.

If I ever post an online dating profile I might just lead with that. Tell them I'm an abusive ahole that will diminish them and make them walk on eggshells, I have personality disorders and family of origin issues, and addictions, and will emotionally abuse her. Because that's probably what they're going to think of me at some point. If they are willing to sign up for that, maybe I'll be able to exceed their expectations. But if I have to court them and pretend that I can be their prince charming, well, it's just a matter of when the bomb blows.

When I see DBers talking about their great new partners I cringe. There are no great partners. They are all horrible, we just don't know how yet. It's just a matter of whether these horrible partners can stick it out long enough to have moments of surprising happiness in the middle. Dating/courting is like a hormone induced optical illusion designed to procreate our species, I get that new partners make us feel good and we can fill in the gaps of our ignorance with fantasy and hope, but we who have been through this should know better than to take that perception too seriously.

This is all tongue in cheek and I hope no one takes me too seriously. The bigger point is that while I feel this way now, this to me is just proof that I have zero business talking to other females right now. So don't sweat the red flags, just shut the dating door and work through your anger. If in a few years you wake up and feel optimistic about the world around you and the men in it, then hey, you'll be in a good place to meet someone that is less horrible than the rest. How romantic...