ok I have to be missing something here. I am incapable of wrapping my head around this situation. and how this me not being there for her is doing me any good. I'm not seeing things clearly, or maybe I'm not wanting to see them clearly.
Regardless, I need to be in a better emotional and mental state. It really bothers me that she asked me to call, perhaps she wanted my support? and I didn't give her it. so when I finally was ready she wanted nothing to do with me, hence the "I'm busy." I understand the whole she needs to feel a loss, I agree. She needs to know that when and if a D happens, there will be no ME to call, no matter what. I totally understand that, what I don't understand is how making her mad (more than she already is at me) and pushing her away (that's what I feel like I'm doing) is what's going to help her see this loss. I feel crazy. I feel stupid, she FINALLY called me, and I didn't know what to say or how to handle it. I feel like I blew it. I feel like she expected her W to be there for her and her W didn't show up. That's not me! I show up, I'm there for my family. If they need something, I'm there. It hurts ME to not be there for them. ME. I hope it hurts her, but most importantly I'M the one hurt here. I'M the one in tears now. everything feels wrong. everything I'm doing and saying feels so wrong.
I can't gal and have fun without being and feeling guilty. I cant buy a stupid mattress because I don't know what kind I like (she's picked all 3 that we've had, do I like firm or soft?! who knows!?!?!) I can't buy the boots I wanted to gift myself for my birthday because my car broke down and I need money for that instead. why? I make decent money but I'm trying to pay off 10k in a cc we so kindly racked up. (some for her school some for our fun I'm sure) I cant make a bill pay on my account cus W handled finances so I'm literally clueless on using bill pay. I can't make it one day without crying. I can't concentrate at work 75% of the time.
Does it actually truly get easier? Am I crazy and stupid for thinking I may see my kind, intelligent, loving, funny & beautiful wife one day? cus from where I'm standing, I'm an idiot and a fool.
