Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 3)

[ForGump]

JRuss, reading your posts always makes me think, for the obvious reason that we struggle w/ many similar issues.

(a) Being poor listeners -- I'm very guilty of this. My mind has a tendency to multi-task, which is to say it flashes back & forth over to other things on my mind as my W talks. I have made a concerted effort to look straight into her eyes when she talks, and pay 100% attention, and validate.

(b) Doing enough around the house -- you mention "decide to cook one night." One night is not enough! I don't know how much you do around the house, but I suggest you completely geek out on this, and do exactly 50%, no more, no less. Cook 3-4 nights a week. Not in a subservient, motherly way, but as someone taking charge. Just declare to your W, "I'm going to cook coq-au-vin tonight." Do 1/2 of the house cleaning. Do 1/2 of the laundry. Etc. Once you start doing 1/2, don't be afraid to leave the other 1/2 to your W.

(c) Sex -- dude you are ***so*** fricken lucky in that department. At least from my myopic point of view. I often find myself wishing, "just one more time...." Anyhow, I think this is where "don't believe 100% of what she says, and 50% of what she does." That is, man, if she's DOING it with you, there is *something* there. No person is such a robot that she'd do it repeatedly w/o some subconscious, animal connection there. This by itself tells me you have a chance. It might be one in ten thousand, but it's a chance. Your situation is not D.O.A. Keep the paddles handy and greased up.

(d) The IC echo chamber -- before you lose hope, maybe you ought to get a bit more info on this IC. Look at her website, if any. Ask your IC about what reputation she has. But also keep in mind that if she's an echo chamber ... the primary source of ideas will be your W. So if your W still has any positive feelings about you, then her IC will echo that too. Also, if your W really does have some issues to work through, and if that IC is worth the piece of paper her license is printed on, she may help your W work through some conflicting issues in her head. You write that this IC has a "track record". Is that a datapoint of 1?

(e) Sandi2's point of "solid plan of action" -- I think this is very appropriate for your case, precisely because it's SO DAMN HARD to detach & GAL when your in-house. I think you need to write down a list of exactly what you're going to do, and what you're not going to do in/around the house on a regular basis. And I don't mean chores necessarily. I would include how you would communicate w/ your W, how you would express affection (if any, at least for the sake of the kids), etc. My M.O. has been to be a warm, friendly housemate, who, when engaged or asked, is very warm and kind, but generally does not behave like he's trying to coordinate his goals and interests w/ hers. Kind of harks me back to grad school days living w/ other grad students.

I get the sense though, JRuss, that, understandably, all your DB-ing still is anchored to the hope of getting your W to wake up. I think true/best DB-ing is anchored to yourself, to moving on w/o your W. It's a damn paradox.

Just thinking aloud here -- and as always, what I wrote above is really me talking to myself. I am sorry to hear about the mini-bomb drop (the echo chamber IC). I might've talked a big game here, but I live in fear of mini-bomb drops every day, and I take a big breath before I open my email every time, telling myself to strap on a pair....