Not posted in a couple of weeks but was having a browse today and thought I would put something in writing.
Was my 30th Birthday yesterday which had it's ups and downs. Got to take my daughters out for lunch and actually have a few hours with them both at the same time which is a bit of a novelty but the realisation that it was my first Birthday in 8 years that I haven't spent with my W was a strange one.
Couple of other points, my W has told me she's going to lose her house as she hasn't paid rent since June, she has fallen behind on a couple of her utility bills and her hours have been reduced at work so she can no longer cover all of her outgoings. In spite of all of this she leaves for a 5 night girly holiday to Spain on Friday!
approaching 5 months in and not a D paper in sight even though my W is adamant it's what she wants.
Little to no communication with her unless it's referring to our daughters or she's deciding to tell me how broke she is.
I try not to indulge her when she's talking about money, I give her a generous amount of maintenance each month for my D5 (I don't pay for D11 as her biological dad already does) and I won't be giving her anything more.
Life's ticking on, plenty of time spent with family and friends and improving myself. Just booked myself in for a tattoo that I've wanted for 3 years but couldn't justify the expense.
Nice to hear you're doing well, please keep posting as it helps people to see what the journey is like all the way through.
Just curious, where do you currently stand on D? If your WW came to you today and expressed true remorse and was willing to do anything she could to make your M work, what would you be willing to do?
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Good to hear from you too, I've been keeping an eye on your thread and you've had your fair share of ups and downs but you're doing great. I've always looked to your situation for inspiration.
Your question is a tough one to answer and I've given myself time to think about it. The honest answer is this, I always think I there will be a part of me that wants my W and my M back and if she showed true remorse I would give it a go but it would have to be a very long and slow process.
I can't say if I could ever trust her again and whether I would be living in constant fear that at any point the ILYBINILWY could happen again?
All I can say for certain is if this scenario was to happen and I didn't at least try I think I would regret it for the rest of my life.
So bit of an odd few days in the crazy world of Kyle and I'm looking for some opinions if possible?
My W phoned on Wednesday last week to ask a favour of me which has taken me by surprise. She is going back to university to study for a Masters Degree at the end of the month and she was wondering if I could help with childcare. She wants me to go to her house 2 evenings a week, put the kids to bed and then wait around for her to come home. This all sounds well and good but my concerns are that my D5 has just got used to the new routine of seeing me and it might confuse matters with me coming into her home, putting her to bed and me not being there in the morning when she wakes. I'm also concerned that spending 2 nights a week in my old marital home is going to set me back and re-open wounds that are just starting to heal.
The other thing that happened is on Saturday night, around 8pm, there was a knock on the door and it was my W and kids, they had turned up out of the blue so "the kids can show me their new trainers". I would like to point out that where I am currently living is quite some distance from my W house, it was raining hard and it was an hour past my D5's bed time. For the life of me I can not think why she would have been in the area as she doesn't drive and why she couldn't have just sent a photo?
Any opinions on this would be greatly appreciated as I am stumped.
As to the first paragraph, your concerns are valid, your healing matters and you are not required to support your WW's schooling. You can offer to keep your D's at your house if that's an option, or you can say No if your concerned that it will set you back. I guess what I'm saying is you can do it if YOU want to, but you have zero obligation to do so.
As for the second paragraph, it's impossible to know if you don't have any more info. Maybe she wanted to see if you had someone over on Saturday night or if you were out... Maybe they went shopping near your house, or out to dinner, or were at a friends house, and your D wanted to see you. Just too many possible reasons to figure out, so try not to waste the energy.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I like what Coconut said, but when it comes to the children I'm a softie. If I have the opportunity to be with my sons more often, then I'll always take it. That's just my choice.
Right now I'm leaning towards doing it as like you say it means I get to spend more time with my daughters. My other concern is if I don't do it who will? Nothing will stop my W starting this course so she might end up scrapping the barrel and getting someone I'm not comfortable with to do it.
I've agreed to have my daughters every Wednesday while my W is at university. Thankfully I have managed to move things around at work so I can have them in my own home over night which is a massive bonus.
I had my D5 this weekend and she really kept me on my toes, I would love to have the energy levels of a 5 year old! On Saturday she asked me "when are you coming home" and it really stirred up some emotions. I didn't know how to answer and quickly changed the subject but now I'm wondering if I need to bring this up with my W as there is clearly still some confusion with my D5.
I can't say if I could ever trust her again and whether I would be living in constant fear that at any point the ILYBINILWY could happen again?
Then why would you even consider giving it another try? Just b/c she would want it? Just like when she decides on a spur she wants to go back to school, and for you to accommodate her......and your very first thoughts were that you probably should.....but you'd ask to make sure. Good thing you did!
You LBNG's (left behind nice guys) are way overtrained to accommodate your WW, and whether you can see it or not......it really is obvious to one who is not a LB or NG.
BTW, on the trust issue, that's why the burden is on the shoulders of the wayward spouse to earn back your trust by proving, over time, they can be trusted again. It is not up to the betrayed spouse to have no choice but to trust the wayward. No-no, don't buy that wayward b.s. for a second. If the wayward doesn't want to do what it takes to earn the trust, then send them on their way. They aren't worth it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
