My addiction, my mistakes, my life, learning grace

[trumpet]

I'm here! From the newcomers for the last 9 months or so.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2698866&page=1

Long time lurker here, first time poster... tee hee hee!

D was final in May. EX-WW's 'just a friend' turned into a boyfried after the first week of being divorced... that happens a lot it seems. Weekends without the kids seem to be spent in Chicago with OM or here in Madison... (yes, he's chained to kids and job in Chicago, she's in Madison, it won't ever work out, but that's what love does to you, right?)

I've continued working on forgiving her for her actions. I haven't told her that, but did let her know when OM is over, and I have the kids, to let me know, since we only live 2 blocks away, and she hasn't told the kids about him yet. I can't imagine them walking in on her and him...
She's recovering from Grave's disease, and I believe is having a MLC. The EA turned PA was to help cover the hurt from trauma when she was younger.

I was held to a perfection standard as a husband by her. When I let her down (every day, if perfection is the standard), I was disrespected and told that affection would be withheld. We were in a sex-starved marriage almost from the first month of marriage. She had an extreme low level of self-esteem, was bulimic, took SSRI's for depression, was overweight, had issues with her body, including hips/knees/pain, and was told by doctors she had a body of a 60 year old at 35. Addictions in alcohol took both her grandparents. She's had issues with using pain killers as well.

Ok, so where does that put me? On the road to healing and understanding my role in the demise of my M. I contributed. I became addicted to pornography during the M, as sex once a year or less put huge amounts of shame and anger into me. Angry that I wasn't good enough, angry at my EX-WW to withhold love and respect. Angry that I would go to porn to ease the pain, which made more shame.

As of Thursday, I'll be 300 days clean and sober. I NEVER want to go back to porn. Am I still craving sex? To look at the female form? Yes, I believe God put that desire within me. It's healthy. How I respond to that craving is how I worship God. Do I degrade myself and give in, or do I live a new life, knowing that I now respect myself more than I have in my entire life, and realizing it's a cheeseless tunnel of false gratification. I have found new hobbies - no more TV - I read. No more porn - I exercise. I'm trying to eat healthy - cut out soda, alcohol for the most part, fatty snacks. I do eat cheese, though - dude, I live in WI, it's almost a law around here.

I'm pretty open about the porn addiction on this board. I'm more careful around aquantances, but my inner circle of friends know the story. You have questions? Ask away.

In the midst of the D, I got a promotion from sales to management. I really like it. I've turned the dept. around, as we're selling more than we have in the past. I have the respect of the salespeople, and look forward to making the dept. even better in the future.

Keep rocking work. Lose another 30 lbs. Do 2 5K runs by the end of the year. Jump out of a plane. Stay debt-free except for the condo mortgage. Learn guitar. Those are my goals.

I have goals to continue to heal. To continue to make myself into a really good whole person, so that I'm ready to take the step into a relationship in the future. I know I'm not completely healed, and I did try to force the issue - I just know it was my hurting heart wanted companionship and a lean-to when I'm down. If I can stand on my own two feet all the time, I'll be ready to contribute to the next relationship, at the speed that God wants. I have to realize it won't happen if I force it, or wish for it to happen. When the time is right, someone will come into my life. For now, I need to embrace my singleness, enjoy what's ahead of me, take care of my 3 kids, and heal the heart. It will love another someday. And if it doesn't, that's ok, too.

Thanks for posting. I will post. Keep DB'ing, keep focused on what is the top priorities, and everything in moderation, including moderation.

Thanks.