Maybs - Pt3

[maybs]

I feel like I am ready to move on. I feel like I'm ready to live my life 100% for me and whatever happens, happens. I'm not out like actively searching for someone to date but if it happens, it happens.

The irony is I was so focused on DBing and making sure I was trying to do everything right and the second I just stopped trying to do it all and just 100% let go is when my W started coming around again.

I have a hard time phrasing this in a way that makes verbal sense. I don't believe in saying "never" about anything it doesn't just have to do with my W. I believe that there could be a time and a place for anything with anyone, even exes. For me it's more I'm not hoping or waiting for R.

Over the past week or so my W has been in contact with me every day about something or another. Over the past few days I FINALLY got it through her head that this D is moving forward and is something that I'm on board with and just want to be done with. She has heard from "people" (she won't tell me who) that I'm doing really well and am really happy and seem more like myself than I have in a long while and I think it's eating at her. We have had several conversations over the past few days that have ended because she gets upset and starts "secretly" crying (it's like when you know someone is crying but they're trying super hard to cover it up). And honestly, at the point that happens I just exit the conversation, not rudely, but I just say that I have to get going because I'm busy, which has actually been true almost every time.

On some level I feel bad for her that she is clearly going through something and she's alienated so many people that she's basically alone, but at the same time. I feel like I can't get sucked back into her drama right now. More and more I see an unhappy and lonely person who desperately wants me to reach out to her and I just can't. More and more I see the person that my W used to be and I see that she's struggling with something inside of her and I just can't help and it does make me feel bad for her. But it's not my struggle. and I just got to a place where I feel good about myself and my life and I don't want to lose that by being sucked back in. Especially because I know that evil monster side of her is still in there and lashes out at me sometimes when she's very frustrated, but it just doesn't bug me.

I feel like I've had a shift in mentality from thinking "she's leaving me" to feeling like "I'm leaving her"

It's funny to me that I'm better at DB-ing now that I've given up trying, maybe I was just thinking about it to hard all along.