Well, I see everyone's point. And I totally botched things over the weekend and we didn't get there. But I tried to start the conversation at least a little bit and I think it's moving in that direction. It's very interesting. However, the main take away is: I need to relax. And trust him.
He came up with four projects at my house that he suggested we do this weekend. Two of them I want to do but haven't mentioned -- he's investing in my home in ways that make it more comfortable for him as well as us. I see that for what it is.
He's only my 3rd relationship in my life, the first two were Mr. Fantastic and my horrible college boyfriend who was very dysfunctional. Mr. Fantastic said it, and meant it as far as he is able, in 6 weeks and the college boyfriend said it on the 3rd date (I know, I would have run, but I was being a stupid teenager...) I didn't want My Guy to say it before, but now that I want it I want it RIGHT NOW. I guess I haven't grown up as much as I thought. Although they were used on me cheaply before, I look forward to hearing them now because when he is comfortable using them then *I* will be free to use them as much as I want to. He does a lot for me and there isn't so much I can do back for him. He has been lonely and I want him to understand his importance to me.
I should be able to say ILY without needing to hear it back, but I'm just not able to. When I've said other things about how I feel about him, without hearing it reciprocated, I get upset and it's a struggle to maintain my composure. It feels like a rejection. I'm already nervous about how quickly we came together, and nervous that I am trusting someone with my heart after getting it stomped on not that long ago. I'm not trying to be controlling.
In other news, the kids started school today and it was 100% smoother than last year, thankfully. When I was loading the school calendar into the family calendar and the paper one I keep for the kids (so they know who they're spending the weekend with, etc.), I noticed that Mr. Fantastic is out of town this week. So he won't be spending any of his week nights with the kids as usual. But he hadn't told them. So I got to. They took it very quietly but later, when he texted me to ask if they could talk on the phone, D13 said "Why is he taking an interest in us all of a sudden? He hasn't wanted to talk on the phone in months." That stung. Each kid spent maybe 3 minutes on the phone with him.
I seldom wonder this, but tonight I do: Is this what he thinks parenting is? Checking in once in a while when it occurs to him? How can he live with himself, making plans with less regard for their feelings than if he was an uncle or a family friend? My Guy is more engaged with their well-being than Mr. Fantastic. He's so engaged, in fact, that I sometimes disagree with him about his suggestions, but they are ALWAYS appropriate to the problem we are discussing.
Ginger, yes, love is an action. Thank you for the reminder. I'm lucky beyond my deserving.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
