Being good at disagreement

[mustardseed]

zeus, I understand what you are saying about needing to learn to be alone before getting into another relationship. I used to listen to Dr. Joy Browne and she is adamant about the one year rule and it makes sense. However, I don't quite understand what constitutes dating as it relates to the one year rule. I've been tempted to call her show to see if I can get clarification.

Dating can mean a lot of things and if it weren't for dating I think I would have had a miserable, lonely, depressing year. I made it a point to get out of the house as much as possible this past year. Sometimes I had to go it alone, often I was able to recruit family, and other times I depended on male companions--dates. My female friends were/are NEVER available. But never in any of these circumstances was a possible relationship a goal. Does that still count as dating?

I noticed the first time out that the lines blurred on both sides. There was a lot of confusion and frustration. After too many "second chances" I realized that friendship will not work for me so I stepped back.

Another sitch slipped into a routine that seemed dangerously close to R territory--but with some open communication and putting our other obligations ahead of the routine of seeing each other we both were able to take a step back. And it has been a good thing. I enjoy his friendship and companionship, but we are both focused on our own growth after D and were on the same page about putting on the breaks.

Most recent has a significant amount of physical distance that forces us to take things super slow. His D timeline is almost identical to mine--and with similar family make up. So many parallels. We talk often, only met once. I probably could have easily gotten caught up in this one, but the distance and slow pace has given me the space to reflect on why the draw, and how I feel about red flags. I think if he were local I might have made exceptions and overlooked things I recently decided were deal breakers. Now I am analyzing it all from a distance.

I've learned a lot about how I communicate. The consequences of my actions on others. And the importance of knowing exactly where to draw lines--and the significance of those lines. I don't think I would have realized that I needed to learn those things had I waited a year and jumped right into looking for an R sort of dating. I probably would have once again let things move too quickly. Overlooked the red flags or deal breakers, or rationalized them. I would have Jumped from meeting, to fireworks, to obligation--just like my old pattern--without paying attention to red flags, or my responses, or boundaries.

This casual dating is really a life lesson and I don't regret doing it. I absolutely plan to follow the one year rule for serious dating with R as an end goal, but in the mean time I see no harm in making friends with men in a date-like situation. I am upfront, and I learned from guy#1 fiasco how to stay true to my word and not accidentally send mixed messages. To take time to assess rather than leading with emotion. My kids do not need to know who I socialize with.