Budding

[mustardseed]

I have to catch up on everyone's threads who have made the move. It's good to see old friends here. Now I see where everyone has gone.

The past year has been one of complete limbo. At every turn hoping to get answers and finality--and having road blocks at every turn. When I think about where I was last summer, kicked to the curb, homeless, unemployed with an unbalanced (although equal) parenting schedule, I realize how far I've come with no other option but to live in the moment. It is funny how I have gotten used to being unable to plan passed a few weeks. Everything was up in the air. I have all of the answers I need now. And I am a little anxious about it. Relief is there of course, but also some nervousness. This week I get to go back into the marital home and collect my things. Maybe once that move is made I will feel calmer.

As of last week, I can now plan ahead with some certianty. A d agreement has been reached and signed. The new custody arrangement goes into effect next week. And the support starts coming in next month. I got my work schedule all set up-both the PT job and the PD cases--and I did the math. I can do this! So why do I feel scared?

I now feel like I can refer to him as my XH without feeling a bit of dishonesty. Even though the judge still needs to sign off and apparently there are a few other papers that need to be dealt with before it is final--it now feels real. I have been dating this past year, but it felt wrong and I kept it secret from all but one or two people (for safety reasons). Now I feel comfortable about talking about it. And I don't care about his OW anymore--although I still get pangs of hurt when I think that his family is not my family anymore, and that she is accepted and I am rejected among certain family members. I have to let that go. The interesting thing is most of his family has my back, just the ones who were out of state believe his lies about me. But I can move on with them as friends. And I will continue to be my friendly self if I come across any of them, including those who he claims believes his lies about me.

Can you believe he tried to sneak in a line about not being allowed to fraternize with his friends, family, or coworkers in the divorce agreement? His L was as sneaky and miserable as him. They put off any sort of negotiations the entire year without any specifics about what they object to so things couldn't move forward at all. Then the day before the final court date his L sends a modified agreement without highlighting what changes she made and told my L that H already signed so all I had to do was sign and be done. Luckily my L insisted that H must be present. I assume it was because she knew that the control freak stip was not going to go over well. I wonder if XH realizes that all of his triangulation tactics were for naught (besides getting me out of the house and having a year of not having to pay me anything). And now he just looks like a Pu$$y for pulling that cr@p in the first place--and none of that dirt ever even came into play.

Anyway, they showed. We signed. I feel both relieved and anxious.
When we left the courtroom My L said H was the strangest and most Narc party he has ever dealt with--this coming from an L who has handled nothing but D for the past decade. Then he warned me that he doesn't think H will let well enough alone, so to proceed with care--stay out of his way. It was strange seeing H walk out with his L. He looked small and pathetic--nothing like the man I was in love with. He wears many masks and I see him changing them to suit different sitches. Because I am involved with him on so many levels I see prince Charming morph into Gollum morph into oliver twist all within a day. The morphs used to confuse me, like demons hiding in the shadows of the crazy forest he trapped me in.

Now I see the costume change. I know who is coming based on the scene I anticipate--and I know it is a costume. He is sweet--there is a motive. He is terrified--there is a motive. He is disengaged--there is a motive. The only one that I know is genuine is the flash of rage in his eyes. He keeps it in, doesn't explode, but I see it. I've always seen it and it has always been off putting, but I always talked myself out of believing what I saw--even when the pets and kids seemed to respond with the same uneasiness that I felt.

Anyway, I believe I am done trying to analyze it. I hope I am. He is someone else's problem now and I am grateful to her for taking him off my hands--regardless of how little respect I have for her.

From here on in it is all on me. And I am so happy. I already learned that I wasn't the reason why the house was always in such squaller--because a year on my own and things have been tidy with minimal effort. When I have the kids they do their part. And they told me H does not let them clean because he is afraid they will get sick. So they continue to live in squaller. He made a comment when D tidied up a few weeks ago when she stayed home from camp. There are other things that made me discover I wasn't a failure at adulting. One thing that scares me is that because things were so much in the air I allowed myself to slip into debt--debt that I worked hard to get out of toward the end of the marriage. I rationalized it by saying it was necessary and temporary, but it allowed me to ignore my budgeting skills. Now I have to rein that in and dig myself out of the hole while staying above water. I know I can do it, but I am a little intimidated.

It is all on me now. That is a good thing. My life. My mistakes. My successes. My joy.