I get the traditional idea of being the provider Anna. Most recent men work like that. It's actually his way of caring. He wants to provide. Basic, but normal IMHO.
Did you not want that?
What did you want
What do you want from the next Mr Right?
Hard questions I know. Sorry.
Surfer, I have no issue whatsoever with the traditional protector/provider kind of guy. My family of origin is very traditional in that sense, and that's the kind of behavior I associate with being loved. In the situation with my H, I think that was his goal, but we really clashed over the way he went about it. He wanted to be respected as "the man," but tried to go about it by issuing ultimatums and demanding compliance rather than being willing to talk and compromise. He was very much, "I make the money, so I make the rules."
Being older now, I see that a lot of his behavior was rooted in insecurity and need for me to look up to him as a husband and as a man, and that he just didn't know healthy ways of accomplishing that without resorting to cro-magnon behavior. But we married very young and, at the time, all I saw was unreasonable behavior and unwillingness to compromise, so I dug in my heels. Ultimately, he was really hurt, felt unsupported, and I think that probably played a part in why he first started seeking validation and admiration from other women. Caveat: I'm not saying anyone should be a doormat for a demanding, controlling spouse, or that I should have let mine steamroller over me as he often tried to do. I'm also not justifying or excusing infidelity. I'm just saying, in my particular situation, I wish I'd had the foresight to see his behavior for what it was and had dealt with it in more healthy and validating ways.
Next Mr. Right? Gosh, I don't know... I loved being married...I'm very much a family person...but I haven't yet given a lot of thought as to what that might look like next time around. I have grown and changed so much over the course of this journey. Ultimately, I think the only thing that truly matters to me is that someone is as committed to the idea of family as I am. There are always going to be differences and edges that need to be smoothed out when you're integrating someone new into your life. I'm not looking for a fairy tale or someone to be perfect. I really just want someone who is willing to do the work to stay close and connected, and who will stay. Anything else is negotiable.
