Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 3)

[JRuss]

JRuss, can you remind me--your wife works full-time, right? Is she an involved mom? (I don't mean a super, Pinterest mom, but someone who gets the kids where they need to be, reads to them, cooks for them, talks to them about their day, etc.) Are her GAL activities in reasonable balance for a working mom?

Hi Rose. Yes, my W works full time. This is relatively recent, as in about the last 14 months. For the prior 8-9 years, she worked, but was underemployed (at least intellectually) so she could have more time with the children. She became deeply unhappy with this, tried to get a better job, but it took a long time due to the economy and inertia, and she got mad at me for not supporting her. With the four of us already living a stressful life, I was worried about the impact on all of us if she added 10-15 hours of additional work to her life. I eventually woke up, and I've been very supportive for the last 2 years or so as she first found the job, and, since, as she's tried to claw her way into a position she can grow with.

She is anything but a Pintarest mom, but she is actively engaged in their lives, cooks for them, talks to them about their problems. Yes to all of that. Her main GAL is running (she's really fast, has qualified for Boston twice, etc.) and doing things with girlfriends. She is also a huge reader.

Are you carrying your weight around the house, truly? (This time of year, it's interesting to think about things like this--Do you have to ask your wife what the kids' schedule is for the day or week? Who figures out what new clothes still fit, takes them shopping for new stuff, and gets rid of the old? Who fills out all those blasted forms that the school sends? Who makes sure that kiddo remembers pajama day or takes the classroom snack on the right day?)

I did not always carry my weight. This was a huge source of anger and resentment for my W. I've worked for the last two+ years to be much more weight-bearing, and I can say that, right now, I'm doing at least as much as my W, if not a little more. She tends to have a better grasp on a lot of the details that you mention, so she identifies the need for PJs, say, but I end up doing most of the legwork in terms of going out and getting what needs to be gotten. She has told me that she no longer thinks I don't pull my weight, but it hasn't helped rekindle the attraction she feels like she needs to have.

I might be remembering details wrong, but I don't have the impression your wife has turned into a selfish wild child. Maybe I'm wrong.

No, she's not a wild child. She just quit on our marriage, really. She feels badly about it, but I've never been able to make any real headway on the core issue (she doesn't see me "that" way any more), despite taking all of her issues (at least that she told me about) and working on them all as hard as I know how. While I try to regain attractive qualities, she battles only with whether to stick it out in an unhappy life or forging out on her own at some future time when she thinks the kids will be ok with it.