I like the story you copied. I have read it before. Good to see another perspective than our own.
I replied a long reply to your parenting Q but lost it somehow. In a nutshell do what you feel if just regardless of the reaction of your w and son. Stop living in fear of reactions.
Only you can decide if you think it is excessive. Make that decision and then inform both W and son of your view as man of the house.
Such punishments should be stated as con sequences of decisions and not as punishments. The difference being son knows in advance that if he decides to not clean his room fully, he cannot go. His decision his consequence.
I understand cutting him some slack and he surely is feeling some affect of your M situation, but being a good dad isn't always being on his side.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Listen to roist and Lady V. Both huge influence in my journey.
Sorry, I have been busy and gotta run now, but wanted to swing by and let you know I am still here and encouraged by your communication and appearance to be stepping out of that comfort she'll. I have much to share and much more support for you to provide.
I will get back ASAP.
Stay on that homework today.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
4 years ago, a woman lay in bed at night, not wanting to wake up in the morning. There was no way out. She couldn't divorce him. He would have visitation without her there to protect them. He had never hit them, but he surely didn't understand how to care for them. He didn't even know his own children.
She couldn't leave. She had no job, no way of putting food on the table for the children she loved. She had been dependent for so long, & she trusted this man to provide for her. Now she lay in bed, wondering who he was, & how she got here. These were not the choices she would have made, if she had a 2nd chance.
She couldn't talk to him. He couldn't hear her. She desperately wanted to share herself with him. He had walls up. She couldn't penetrate them. He seemed so content to work, watch TV, eat & sleep. Why didn't he want more, like she ?
She felt trapped. She resented herself for letting him treat her this way for so long. He told her often enough, he was a good husband. She needed so much more from him. She tried telling him, for years she tried, then she cried, she begged, she pleaded, but he couldn't hear.
He was cold, hard, in a fog.
She tried everything, she read every book. She prayed her heart out. She tried to be more Christ-like. Figuring if she set the example, he would follow.
She knew it came down to two choices. Her children's happiness, or hers. She would sacrifice hers. She decided to stay, & raise the children, with this man who would never know her. When they moved out, so would she. Then she would salvage what was left of her.
She put her heart in a dusty old box in the top of the closet. It was easier. She didn't hurt anymore, she was numb.
When she finally quit trying, & tried to fill her hours with distractions, he noticed. His fog was lifting. He wasn't quite so cold, so hard. She didn't care. It was too late. She was numb. Her heart was in that box. She vowed never to take it out again.
She stumbled through her days, crossing them off in the calendar. Wondering how much longer she could live this way. Did her children see her unhappiness ? She wondered, are they better off with a single happy parent, or with two parents who co-exist ? The torment was eating her alive. What to do ?
By now, she wasn't sleeping. Wasn't eating. She pulled away from all of her friends. She was dying inside. She desperately wanted, needed to be loved, appreciated, noticed, cherished. She was a beautiful fragile flower slowly dying without water, sunshine & air.
When no one was watching, she cried. She cried till she ran out of tears. She wanted it to be over, she wanted the pain to stop. Everytime she looked at her husband, it reminded her of the pain. The pain that was consuming her. She turned to alcohol to numb the pain. Anything to make the pain go away. Her friends ask her why she's putting on so much weight. She wonders, why can't anyone see that I'm dying here. She doesn't try to tell the man she shares a bed with, remember, he can't hear her.
She finally writes him a letter. She says she is done. They need to raise their children, & he's the only one who can be their dad. Now he's fully awake & out of his fog. He's scared. He had no idea how bad she hurt. He thought things were good. He's been living in a separate reality from her.
He says he'll change, he'll do anything, to make her happy. He says his family is the most important thing to him. She doesn't believe him. She's numb. Her heart is safely in that box. He tries, she watches. He tries some more, she watches. He's dying now. She's numb. Now he wants the pain to stop. She's numb. She wonders why did things have to go this far before he would hear me ? Now she doesn't want to talk to him. She's numb. Talking to him reminds her how much she used to hurt, she can see it in his eyes now. Her survival instincts kick in, at least she doesn't hurt now. She's numb.
The only place to go from numb is anger. He tries some more, she can see he's making changes. Now comes the buried anger. The anger that she wanted to express to him for all the years past. The anger she was afraid to show. He doesn't realize, angry is better than numb. He takes her anger. For 12 months he takes her anger. Sometimes he fights back, & when he does she goes numb again.
She's so scared to take her heart out of that dusty box. Numb is so much safer. Angry is so much safer. Does he know how hard it is for her. She knew the day that her children were born, that she would give her life for them. She just didn't know it would be like this.
Sometimes he tries to push her to heal faster. She's doing her best. He wants more from her at times. She's doing her best.
Some nights, the pain returns, & she remembers, & she just can't sleep. She's not numb anymore, and the anger is going away. She doesn't know how or where, but it is. She's so scared. Numb is safer. Angry is safer. If she gives in to her fear, to her sometimes overwhelming fear, everyone will call her a Walk Away Wife. She wanted you to know.
That was 4 years ago. Now, this morning I'm laying in the darkness awake again. I go to divorce court in a few hours. So much has changed. I've changed. My kids have changed. I never wanted to be divorced. I wanted my family intact. I wanted my kids to have their dad in the same house. I grew up without a father, I never wanted theirs to be absent. But.......their dad made his own choices.
He was more absent when he lived in this house. Now that he's in an apartment, when he's with them, he's sometimes actually with them. He talks to them more. He is more involved in their lives. He's taken them to dinner alone & had conversations with them that I begged him to have for years. He has taken them to doctor appointments, and been involved in getting them to and from activities. He went shopping for a Christmas tree with them the other day, he put up Christmas decorations with them. He never did that when he lived here with us. I did everything with the kids. He worked. He escaped into work. He chose not to be involved with me or the kids. He chose work.
Now that I've filed for divorce, he says he can't get a job. He's being a "consultant" and making $1500 a month, so he says he can't pay spousal support. His choice.
I was a stay at home mom for 15 years. I went out and found a job in 3 months. He has worked and made $100 K a year for the last 3 years, but now he can't find a job. His choice. I'm now a working single mom. Something I never wanted, but now I have choices.
When he and I were together, I didn't have choices. He was controlling, domineering, chauvanistic, emotionally and verbally abusive. He was withdrawn, silent, cold, and disconnected. He worked. I asked him to talk to me, compromise, take turns. He refused.
Now I have choices. I'm emotionally & psychologically safe in my own home. I'm rediscovering myself. I'm finding out that I am capable, smart, strong, and confident.
I am a kite who was meant to soar. He was an anchor. He was insecure and afraid that I would soar, so he beat me down. Verbally, emotionally, and psychologically.
I'm soaring now. I ran a half marathon two weeks ago. If I would have told him I wanted to do something like that, he would have made it sound stupid for me to even try. I didn't tell anyone, I just did it. For me, for my new self. My stronger independent self.
I was oppressed for many years of my marriage. Not at first. It started slow, gradual. He tested my boundaries to see how far he could push me. I pushed back at first, then after years of pushing, I grew tired, and stopped pushing. I let him push me further and further away from who I was meant to be.
Now.......I am finding who I was meant to be. It's stressful and anxiety ridden at times. I worry about the kids, money, what will happen in a few hours when we go before the judge and dissolve this union. But, I have no regrets. I do not want to be with this man. I would spend the rest of my life alone, broke and safe to be free of his oppression, control, manipulation, and abuse.
You may ask why I share this. I'm hoping....praying that some men/women who are controlling and oppressive and pushing their families away, will read this and wake up and change........before it's too late for their family.
Yes I walked away from my marriage, but only because that relationship was destroying me.
I am not here to change the minds of the majority that are probably moved to tears by this story, but rather to let those that are having trouble with this know they aren't alone. Because my only reaction is boo fing hoo.
Marriage is hard. It is sacrifice. It takes a lot of commitment. There are days, months, and years in which the seasons are difficult. Sometimes that requires some personal growth to adapt and learn to thrive despite that adversity. Othertimes it is just life being life, and it can be difficult.
She talks at the end about choices. She made her choices. She chose to end a marriage based on not wanting to deal with difficult feelings. That was her choice. The rest is just script, rewriting history, making her H the abusive husband that drove her to leave for her own survival. She fails to note ANYTHING that she contributed to the breakdown of the marriage.
She acts like her children aren't safe with him, because he is a bad dad. Yet once she was out of the picture he thrived with them. This is identical to my marriage in so many ways. Only I would tell the tale a little differently. I, too, felt resigned that XW wouldn't hear my pain, that she neglected my emotional and physical needs. I retreated into work and let her do the parenting, not because that's what I wanted, but because she was a controlling helicopter mom that made the children first and me dead last on her priorities, she did with the children what I did with work. I'm not "right", I'm not proud of how I handled myself, but for the love of god I never gave up on my marriage, I never destroyed my family, I maintained faith that we'd grow, work through it, that seasons would change, and in the idea that there is NO EXCUSE for destroying the family that we were blessed by God to have.
This bit at the end about how she'd rather be single than married to him, great, more script. Marriage isn't a one sided ticket to happily ever after. It is a trade off. Great, I'm single, I can do what I want, I'm not 'oppressed' anymore. But when you get married you sign up for some oppression, some control, some sacrifice. We all give up a lot of our freedom, have to make serious compromises that we think we could never live with, have to accept a number of 'deal breakers', and grieve the loss of the fantasy that we thought marriage would be. That's life. I have no problem with her choosing to be single, but I think it's gross that she would make the choice to end her family and then rationalize and twist things to make it sound she had no choice and it was her husband's doing. She says she was ready to sacrifice her life for her children, but apparently her commitment to her husband was much less than that. And this idea that personal happiness is somehow paramount, and so if she's happier now than that must prove she made the right decision. Does that mean if she abandoned her children and moved to another country and started a new life and said she was 'happier' because she wasn't dealing with the obligations of being a parent, that all of us would pat her on the back for being strong enough to leave those brats and chase her individual freedom?
I agree this story is useful for LBS's to help them understand their WAS's and inspire them to make deep changes. But let's call a spade a spade and not let the LBS's accept responsibility for their partners' decisions. She made her choices and they don't match the values and beliefs that many of us who take vows subscribe to.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
That was all pretty rough draft, so let me clarify one thing. I do feel for this person's suffering. I do.
I simply believe that 100% of marriages, both people could write this story if they wanted to. I am challenging those on these DB forums, have any of you been married for 20+ years and feel you couldn't have written a story about how neglected, unfulfilled, hurt, diminished, unappreciated, and unheard you were? Anyone? Bueller?
We all could write that story. When you buy a bus ticket to marriage-ville, it spends a lot of time in this bay. The question is what do you do when you get there? Divorce isn't a solution, it's a horrible act of destruction. I think that all couples should have to read this story prior to getting married, and those that support this person's choice should just adopt a few children and stay single.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
