More confused than before

[Buxom]

WH went out tonight to a concert with buds. I am good with it. Had a good day and was not interested in going. Besides I'm still cramping from the procedure.

He checked in by text saying, "party at Lisa's" Lisa is a friend of ours. So I decided to mess with him, a little unpredictable and mysterious maybe? I answered back, "be right there!" He responded with question marks! I said your invitation then five mins later I texted, "just messing with ya!"
Cheap fun for me. If ow was there it would have shook em up. Whatever!

[Cherry]

I think it frequently can lead to some kind of insecurity. I was a carefree 19 yr old, travelling the world thinking I was invisible. Then all of a sudden I had cancer. My life was put on hold, my busy social life and travelling became trips to the oncologist, medication, and practically housebound. My elbow length long blonde hair had to be cut and eventually fell out, eyebrows and then my long eyelashes became sparse. I became a shell of what and who I was. I had no energy and was sick all the time. I was always popular with many many friends, they all turned their back on me when I got sick. It felt as though they thought they could catch it from me. I was told my fertility would likely be affected. I knew I wanted to be a mami, so that hurt me the most.

It was tough making a recovery, I would have frequent panic attacks and didn't want to leave my house. But I built myself up, I focused my goal on getting back to college at the start of the next academic year, and got myself a flat away from home and commuted to school so I could regain my independence. And with a lot of hard work, I graduated with a first class honours degree.

Good on you for having a little joke with him, eat that ow!

You focus on recovering

[Buxom]

Cherry, thanks for the encouragement.

He didn't come home last night, still not home a nine am. I've been waking frequently throughout the night and feel terrible, and angry and resentful. I texted him at midnight, good night, he responded with a kissy face. Then at four thirty another kissy face and red lips. I guess that's some contact. I wonder if he got drunk or loaded.

I'm not sure how to respond when he gets home. Tell him off? Act Like nothing is wrong? I will mind read here but I think he'll come home with that scared guilty look I hate cos it triggers my fear and resentment more.

I don't want to be the bitch that predictability gives negative consequences as soon as he walks in. Where is the incentive to be home if it's unpleasant after being out having fun? Would a text saying where is be so hard?? I have my phone sound off for the night. I haven't texted him. Is that better than texting him asking if he's dead? I guess usually I would text so the 180 would be not to text and not to pry or bitch when he gets home.

Ideas anyone??

[Buxom]

Well, he's home now. Came in but didn't look too guilty. Either he's better at hiding it or he really did crash on Lisa's couch. Whatever! I did ask too many questions told him I worried and appreciated the emoticons. That was him saying good night. He'd done some drugs which I already knew about as they were gone from home.
I wish I had just been able to keep my head on and mouth shut

[Buxom]

Actually, I just said what I felt. Honest and true to me but the only 180 part was not crying and upset. I dunno, it's done. I said what I did and he did what he did last night. He said it was stupid, won't do that again, tired and a stiff neck. Good. Natural consequences.

I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.

[Buxom]

Cherry, you are an amazing young woman. You've been thru so much. Cancer takes a lot but it didn't take your fertility! What a gift! So happy for you!!

[Buxom]

Journaling... looking at accepting reality. It is what it is. He stayed out all night for whatever reason I'll likely not know. For the most part I was not affected by it but by four am I was getting anxious, upset and angry.
I was calm when he got home. We had a chat and while I asked him questions it was a calm and reasonable chat. He then went to bed and I went out with friends for card games. He joined later and it was fun. After I went to a puppy class with a friend and he went home and was in bed when I got home..
I hope I have the strength to not pursue, to be quiet without coldness, gal my day away and let him stew in whatever mood or guilt or whatever. I've asked all the stuff that I will now and will work on my shortcomings of being overly attached and wishing for things to be different. Another day of mourning the dream.

[Buxom]

Journaling... I can't freaking believe it but he frickin did it again!! Not only did he trash 15 months sobriety but he spent the night at A1 house last night!!!!! Unbelievable! I'm so angry and told him I can't do this anymore. He cried and said he did not want to lose me. He has a funny way of showing it. He told me about his night without any questions of promoting from me. First honesty in a long while. I just listened, validated, and told him he had to end it and I would have to be part of it.
I'm shaking and near tears but at least I'm dealing with reality.
He thanked me for looking after myself and working on my codependent stuff. He was not aware I was reading it, he just noticed stuff I was and wasn't doing. I guess they can pay attention.

[Altair]

Buxom, I'm going to take your H's head and smash it into Cherry's H's head. GAAH! You're doing treatment, Cherry is pregnant, and this!!!
So stressful, so disappointing. What is wrong with them?? Rhetorical question, I know.
Hang in there. (Picturing myself moving to Asia to a small island or something)

[Buxom]

I'll move to Cuba and live on the beach. The only possible good thing could be that his head is coming out of his a$$.
I'm back to bringing but I've got to face it all as it's reality.
Thanks for the outrage Altair.