After reading so much about no contact unless absolutely necessary, I dived into that these last couple of weeks- and that came after much pursuing.... I just didn't want my wife to think I don't care. I suppose what's need is a healthy balance of the two with constant loving detachment. Would that be fair to say?
'No contact unless absolutely necessary' is related to the last resort technique (LRT), which may not fit your case. The LRT is one of the 180s usually when nothing else is working.
Besides spooking your wife, you were expecting too much from your wife, that might not be hers to do. Obviously there is a lot you haven't talked about. And obviously no one online here can tell you what you should do (but we will ). At first glance you are the one owing change and fight to your wife. Your affair of 20 years ago is not in play now, and if you are holding onto resentment, you need to let it go.
Of course in 20 years there is more to it than that. And if your anger lead to behaviors from 2007 to 2014 that made here want to move out, you must not repeat those behaviors if you want her back. If you're were abusive, you need to make sure it isn't going to happen again (working with someone professionally who is trained specifically with abusers). Likewise with her.
If you still have serious things to work on, go with no contact until you are centered. If you are in a good place, test the waters. Have coffee with her just to chat/catch up with no pressure.
Btw--as you may have seen, sandi2 is a long-timer, a success story with great advice for both men and women. It's great that you caught her attention.
Last edited by sgctxok; 08/20/1605:28 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
). At first glance you are the one owing change and fight to your wife. Your affair of 20 years ago is not in play now, and if you are holding onto resentment, you need to let it go. 