Being good at disagreement

[Zues126]

Good to hear from you j. I've been waiting patiently for the reply, no hurry here. But you've been in my thoughts.

Your reply is interesting. Self medicating, getting to know other people, health, healing...all things on a spectrum. All about balance. But when debating this requires you go to an extreme end of the spectrum, that's when I question it. I am not suggesting you wait until you are 'fully healed', whatever that means, or that you don't self medicate in any way, or that you wait to be perfect. Those are exaggerations of my point designed to rationalize doing something that would make us feel better in the here and now. This is why I don't trust feelings and thoughts. We can debate endlessly with ourselves and will ultimately do what we want, unless we have other guides to follow.

And, just for kicks, let's pretend that it could be either way. Maybe dating isn't a big deal right now, maybe it causes you and someone else a lot of pain, stunts your healing, and potentially gets you and your children in a sticky situation with someone that you regret being with. If you were thinking clearly looking at that risk/reward does it really make sense to rush into something? Would a person ready to make good choices about their next partner be so needy they couldn't run their own life for a year on their own? I'm not saying this well, but you get the point.

You don't need my permission, shoot, I'm in the minority, most people feel the same things you do and make the same conclusions. Just doesn't work for me, so I will cast my vote and beat to my own drum. I am over 2 years from BD and physical separation, and I still know in my heart I am sorting, reflecting, and recovering in a lot of ways. No, I will never 'fully heal', but I won't feel like my life is a bad dream with no waking. That's a feeling I still have sometimes, that I have good times amid a bad dream, not that life itself is a joy daily. I have felt that way before and know I can feel that way again. I am just not there yet, and it takes time. More time than I thought. Gosh, sometimes it takes time to understand how much time it takes because we want it to be 'better' so much we try to convince ourselves it's all better when it isn't. And we can forget what better feels like. But it will come, all I have to do is be patient and do what I know is right.

In the meantime I wish for you to have some of those peaceful and happy moments in the middle of the suffering. There is so much more lost than the companionship of an individual, the grieving process is reborn again and again. Shoot, I was flying back from Vegas yesterday and was reminded of a trip that I had taken XW to, I had won us a trip to Vegas, and at the airport on the way home we played this stupid slot machine with a bear trying to catch salmon, and we kept hitting, I don't remember the details but there was some bonus "salmon run" and the machine kept paying out, and we were laughing and laughing. And the trip after to Vegas where I beat a world champion in a big tournament for the first time and was written up in a magazine, and was so excited to come home to my wife who loved me and was proud of me. Yup, all gone, all past, now I wait at the airport by myself, and come home to type on divorce forums. I'm still digesting this all J.

Anyway, rambling again. But do take good care of yourself. Thanks for checking in. Take care of yourself legally, as long as you act with the entire family in mind and aren't punishing then you'll be moving the right direction. Hang in and keep posting.