What should I be doing (Working toward D 9)

[Coconut]

WW:
I understand that what I did was wrong, no doubt about it. I should have talked to you about how unhappy I was in our marriage but you are acting as if I had this long time affair in which I had sexual relations with the person. It was nothing of the sort & you are making me out to be this horrible person to everyone you talk to.

You have taken on the victim role so well. I don't really care what betrayed spouses websites say because I guarantee you that those affairs where for much longer periods of time & much more physical. That quite plainly is not what I did. I was sad, lonely & vulnerable & I made the wrong decision to act on that emotion but you are not an innocent party in all this & you seem to really think you are. I'm tired of carrying every single bit of the blame on my shoulders. I am more than willing to take the blame that I deserve, which is a lot but not all if it.


Me:
I take responsibility for who I had become, and I've done a lot to change it, many would say I'm like a new person and they are sorry for what I'm going through but happy to see who I've become.

But I take no responsibility in ending our marriage, your defiance to being open and honest, to do whatever you could do to try and fix our relationship, to repair trust between us is what killed our marriage. I stuck around when I found out you were in love with another man, I stuck around when I found out you were talking about him to others like he was a friend, I didn't give up until I heard you tell him you wanted to let him know why you were sad, something you never did with me, tell me how or why you were feeling.

I did everything I could to help us find our happiness by going to counseling for me, by scheduling it for us, by telling you everything I was doing to see if you were being faithful and everything I saw when doing so. I was completely honest about how I felt, what I thought and what I wanted/needed from you. You just kept telling me that you wanted things to go back to normal, when normal is what got us here.

I have not played victim, I've told everyone I talked to about my part in this, even to the point I verbalized my understanding of what you did to my family when I told them, because I was absent / distant and drinking, but I also told them the facts and they made their own decisions how to feel. I can tell you that my mom asked Eric if he had talked to you, and she said something to the effect of yeah, I haven't heard from her either.. It made me think she was sad about the fact you never reached out to her, I'm mind reading but that's what went through my head. I reached out to the ones I love for support and to live my life with them, you seem to have withdrawn from everyone.. The only people who haven't supported me at all are the two I wanted it most from, you and Austin. I never even got a real apology from you, just that you made a mistake you regret, but never an understanding of the hell it caused me...

I'm ok with where we are going, I don't like it but I know I can do this, but I'm having a hard time getting past the lies/deceit, and indifference you've shown to me since I found out. I honestly have no love for you right now, only anger. I realize I need to get past that, and I'm working on getting past the anger, I need to if I want to be a part of Austins life at all, but it's not an easy road to get down. As it stands now I am the only person I can worry about, the only relationship I can focus on is with myself. Austin has withdrawn from me, and I don't like it but I understand and respect his decision, and I don't have the ability to try and repair that right now, for now I just give him his space.