What should I be doing (Working toward D 9)

[Coconut]

I'm going to post a series of texts between my WW and I as an example of how you cannot talk sense into a WS... This is not DB, this is not being detached and validating, this is NOT what you want to do, but I'm passed trying to save my M so I had nothing to lose, but thought it might help to see there is no reasoning. You'll notice that when she says something I believe is not true and state a fact, she doesn't generally respond, that's pretty typical.

Me:

Visit any Betrayed Spouse support group, messaging board, or blog and you will see a great outpouring of comments when someone calls an affair a “mistake”.

I join them in that outcry and I try to never use mistake and affair in the same conversation.

In fact I remember the day that my husband called his affair “The biggest mistake of his life.” From the outside you would think a statement like that would make you feel better. But it didn’t, I recoiled at the statement and let all the reasons fly out of my mouth the affair was not a mistake.

When he visited his individual counselor a few days later his counselor used the “m” word and my husband relayed to him our conversation. He sat back and said “You know, she is correct.”

An affair is not a mistake.


Mistake vs. Choice


A mistake is something you misunderstand the meaning or intention of. Often it happens when you are trying to do something right, but get it wrong. Generally a mistake happens once and you learn from the negative result and don’t continue to repeat the same mistake.

A mistake is disempowering and offers a slip-up, error, or blunder.

An affair is a series of choices and deliberate decisions, often repeated, even whilst knowing the negative result. There is no misunderstanding the meaning or intention of the choice.

A choice is empowering and offers the power of selecting and option.


“You can never make the same mistake twice, because the second time you make it, it’s not a mistake, it’s a CHOICE.” – Stephen Denn


Characterizing an affair as a mistake is a misguided attempt to minimize the responsibility and intent by reducing the importance of it. After all, everyone makes mistakes, it therefore not a big deal, (and the other line that revolts me) it just happened. (See next blog on that!)

An affair is not a single misstep, but the result of a series of choices. The affair requires repetition of choices and the decision to deceive the faithful partner. I won’t go into the million and one choices that must be made starting from flirting to taking a vacation together, because I know you are well aware of those.

We make mistakes, and from those mistakes we learn and grow. We don’t generally pay for those mistakes for the rest of our lives and most of the time they do not cause trauma to another.

We make choices, and with those choices comes accepting the subsequent consequences and holding ourselves fully accountable. We have exercised poor judgement in making choices and the result is we learn from them as well.

Sometimes good people make really bad choices. It doesn’t mean they are bad people but rather they are human. Just as our mistakes do not define us, our choices don’t have to either.

What defines us is the choices and decision we make moving forward.